5 Things About Pregnancy Which Shocked Me

Perception vs Reality 3.0
Pregnancy did not live up to my expectations.

What I Expected

1. The Bump.

I was hoping for a cute ‘swallowed a basketball’ look. A nice round bump to cradle as I waddled down the street. Instead my baby grew in my face, hands, feet, butt and bra. But mostly in my bra. My pregnancy bosom was so spectacular it dwarfed my stomach. At 8 month people were still commenting that I had put on a lot of weight, not realizing I was pregnant. At 9 months I was induced for fear of my baby being too small. My vagina can assure you that at 9 pounds, too small he was not .

2. The Glow.

Horses sweat, men perspire and women glow, apparently. I call bull****. There was no glow, only three types of sweat- night sweats, daily sweat and post-puking sweat.

3. Luxurious Hair.

My normally lank, sad looking hair became thick and gorgeous almost overnight. It was awesome! So much so, in fact, that the rest of my body grew jealous and decided to join in. Hello hairy tummy, face and nipples! I quickly reached the point where I no longer had access to my legs or nether regions while wielding a razor so they also joined the party.

4. The Odor.

I knew I’d have to pee a lot during pregnancy and I’d heard rumors of constipation. No one talks about the flatulence. Every.Single.Time.I.Moved, Sometimes loud, always deadly. I lost count of the number of times a sneaky one slipped out while I was teaching and I callously blamed the nearest child.

‘Callum! Tut tut tut. Please go to the bathroom!’

5.The End.

Everyone knows birth is painful. No one mentions that a combination of strong narcotics, sleep deprivation, hours of pain, an empty stomach, exhaustion, injury and hormones will leave you more animal than person. Plus no one warned me or my partner not to look down south during the big event. These eyes have seen things which cannot be unseen!

What I Experienced

Did you get any nasty shocks during pregnancy?

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