A Morning in the Life of a Baby’s Mum

Wake up early. Like, sun hasn’t risen, dear-god-it-can’t-possibly-be-tomorrow-yet early.

Stagger out of bed and into the wailing baby’s room. Be greeted with a smile and a triumphant ‘Eh?!’ which melts your heart a little. Stub your toe on the dresser on your way across the room. Swallow down some curses because you will.not.swear.in.front.of.the.baby.today.

Extricate the little person from the straight jacket sleeping bag and stagger a little as your nose is bombarded with the smell of stale urine and your eyes water.

Release the whining dog from her crate. Try not to fall in her attempts to kill you as she charges down the stairs, briefly tangling herself in your legs.

Let the dog out. Lie the baby on the changing mat. Start to unbutton the gazillion clips on his onesie pjs. Try to stop the baby rolling over by giving him something inappropriate to hold. Remember that the dog is not allowed to be unsupervised in the garden as she eats ‘things’ the neighbor’s cat has kindly left EVERYWHERE.

Pick up the baby. Shout at the dog through the screen as no fewer than 20 mosquitoes batter themselves against the door in a desperate attempt to get in and taste you. Shout again at the dog. Threaten the dog. Plead with the dog. Offer the dog apple and see her hastily reappear.

Return to changing the baby. Double the time it takes by fighting hard with his squirming, rolling body. Eventually give up and change him lying on his belly. Take one look at the onesie buttons and think ‘To hell with that.’

Deposit the baby in the jumper activity center. Take the baby out when he starts complaining 3 and a half minutes later. Attempt to brush his newly sprouting teeth with a finger brush without loosing any fingers.

Leave him on his play mat while you measure and mix the formula. Shout at the dog for licking his feet. Shout at the dog for licking his face. Shout at the baby for licking the dog. Mutter some curses under your breath.

Feed him formula while straining your neck trying to avoid his grabbing fingers finding purchase on your hair or face. Try not to sigh when he starts kicking the bottle or chewing on the teat instead of eating.

Build a tower out of toys for him to destroy then use the distraction to make a cup of coffee. Return to the play mat. Repeatedly say ‘No, hot!’ as he climbs on you and tries to scald himself with the coffee. Put the mug somewhere high. Promptly forget about it.

Lie on the floor and try not to wince as he climbs all over you. Find your happy place as he pinches your arms and steps on your nipples. Develop lightning fast reflexes to catch him a quarter inch before his head slams into the ground after he leaps off you.

Repeatedly shoo the dog away. Repeatedly retrieve the baby from whatever dangerous item has caught his eye. Repeatedly comfort him when he wails because the thing he insists on chewing keeps hurting his teeth.

Glance at the clock. Realize it’s only 7.30am and you’ve got a whole day of this ahead of you. Curse.

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