I’m tired of trying to baby proof my rented house without inflicting damage upon either myself or the house. I’ve decided it would be a heck of a lot easier to house proof the baby. Here’s my pitch:
*Read with advertising voice like the TV advertising guy.
Tired of trying to protect your baby from all of the death traps dangers in your home? Confused with how to properly use all of the baby proofing gadgets and gizmos? Why not save yourself the trouble and house-proof your baby?!
With the quick application of one ‘House-proofing suit’- you no longer have to worry about your little one as they become mobile and start to explore.
Features include:
The suit it’s self is made of a patented technology which uses combination of foam, bubble wrap and cotton wool to ensure your baby just bounces right off any sharp corners or edges in your home…or if you drop them.
The suit’s patented helmet is thick enough that even if your little monkey scales your cabinet and pulls the 64 inch wide screen TV down upon themselves they will reemerge unscathed!
The helmet also comes with an inbuilt face shield which will filters germs and bacteria from the air around the child while simultaneously blocking access to the mouth and preventing choking hazards. Fret about your threenager trying to feed the baby legos no more!
The suit has heat proof, thick, thick gloves protecting those fingers from being crushed in doors and also preventing them from picking things up, opening things and sticking their fingers in those oh so enticing plug sockets.
We tested the ‘House-Proof Suit’ with drops of up to 50 feet and temperatures of over 100 C and found no harm had come to our testers.
*Do not try this at home.
So there you have it, folks! The amazing ‘House-Proof Suit’ . Available in two colors: mucous yellow or poop green. Order now for the special price of $69.99 and we’ll even throw it the incredible ‘Alcohol-Proof Suit’ for mum, which includes the ‘breathalyze before use phone feature’. Hurry, offer only available while stocks last!
What do you think? On to a winner?
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Love it! What every baby needs!
I think I’d like the opposite of an alcohol proof suit though 😉
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I’ll add you to the wait list…there was a higher demand than I was expecting. Ooo, what would the opposite look like? A “get you drunk” suit?
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I like the sound of that!
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Where do I sign up? Lol. My son hurts himself every time he face dives off various objects and people in our home, yet the fun must outweighs the pain as he continues to strive for that perfect landing. Incidentally his latest attempt had him crash landing on a mason jar causing his second black in his short 2 year life leading me to ask myself yet again if other moms would look at me funny if I made toddler walk around in a bike helmet and bubble wrap armor. Love your blog!!
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Haha- I give that jump a 4.5- could do better. Which would attract more looks, a helmet and bubble wrap or a black eye and full body cast? 🙂
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