Parenting Contradictions

I don’t know about you guys but I find parenting offers way too many contradictions. For example:

• You spend the whole day wishing your newborn would fall asleep and then when they do, you miss them.

• You can’t wait for your baby to grow out of whatever nightmare phase is plaguing you at the moment and then you feel sad that they’re growing up so fast.

• You spend weeks desperately looking forward to Date Night and then spend the whole evening either checking on the baby or talking about the baby.

• One website tells you Cry it Out will scar your children for life. Another tells you co-sleeping will. Same for vaccinations, fluoride, weaning, schooling and pretty much any important parenting decision you need to make.

• Your baby loves to eat banana. Except when he doesn’t.

• Your baby always sleeps at 9am. Except for the day when you need him to, then he’ll sleep at 8.

• Your baby always sleeps for less than one hour and a half. Except when you’re waiting to go somewhere. Then he’ll sleep for two or more.

• Your baby always goes to sleep without crying. Except when you have people round. Then he wails for ages.

• They drive you up the wall and you fondly remember life before kids. Then they do something, your heart melts and you can’t imagine life without them.

Seriously. Seriously? No wonder this gig is so stressful!

What did I miss?

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Baby Led Weaning: Dos and Don’ts

Baby Led Weaning is all about having your child move straight onto solid foods rather than first introducing purees. You can read more about it here.

We’ve been attempting BLW with the Baby with mixed successes, which you can read about here and here . Here are some lessons we’ve learned along the way.

 

Do inform other carer givers about Baby Led Weaning.

Don’t be surprised if they choose to ignore you because they are terrified of your baby choking.

 

Do give your baby finger-sized pieces of food.

Don’t given him whole steaks or pork chops.

 

Do offer a variety of food.

Don’t offer too much at once if you don’t expect him to chuck half on the floor straight away.

 

Do share your food with your baby.

Don’t share everything.

 

Do make allow him to pick up food and feed himself.

Don’t expect this to be a clean and tidy process. 

 

Do give your child soft food which can be crushed between the roof of his mouth and his tongue.

Don’t give your baby all soft foods.

 

Do offer the same food multiple times, even if he doesn’t seem to enjoy it.

Don’t expect that he’ll eat it the next day just because he wolfed it down on the first day.

 

Do give him a pre-loaded spoon.

Don’t give him the bowl.

 

Are you pureeing, Baby Led Weaning, or both? How’s it going?

 

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Talking to threenagers.

I teach English in a school in Thailand part time. I almost never teach native English speaking children. Sometimes I am teaching very young children their third language.

Often I find myself in situations like this:

I think to myself, ‘Hmm. Pretty sure that’s not Thai, Spanish, French, Dutch, German or English….’

‘Yep. Still got no idea. ‘ I look around for inspiration. Zilch.

‘Uh oh. This isn’t looking good. The p-ed off expression is heading toward a melt down expression. Think fast!’

‘Phew, that did it. Crisis averted. Still got no idea what she was trying to say.’

 

 

Ever have any problems figuring out what kids are trying to tell you?

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I am the mum who…

Thanks, Dawn over at Pennies Add Up for the tag.

 

I am the mum who….

• Often forgets the scheduled milk times and can never remember when the last bottle was.
• Thought the cot was taller than it actually was and dropped her 3 month old the last few inches.
• Swore she wouldn’t show her child cartoons until he was at least 2 and now doesn’t get in the car without the animated nursery rhymes video.
• Ate cake twice a day, on average, when pregnant.
• Is still useless at changing nappies 9 months in and is the cause of most ‘poonami’ incidents.
• Has to put herself on a time out once or twice a month when she feels she is starting to lose it.
• Has dusted toys off after they’ve fallen on the floor and returned them to the Baby to be drooled on.
• Has allowed the Baby to feed the dog more of his dinner than he ate himself.
• Has hidden The Very Hungry Caterpillar when she couldn’t face reading it a sixth time.
• Is hoarding all of the Baby’s clothes for the next kid, whether they are a boy or not.
• Was asked by her wife today if her period was due because she was being a miserable so and so (disclaimer: it is).

I’d like to tag my good friend Roxxroxx over at Becoming Twin Mummies and new friends Morna at Awesome Austerity and Little Rainbow Bug. No pressure if you don’t fancy it, ladies x

 

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Lost in Translation

 

I had IVF treatment, was pregnant and am raising a baby with my wife in Bangkok, Thailand. Which is approximately a million light years from my little Scottish hometown. Oh, and my geography isn’t great.

I thought I had adjusted well, having been here for 3 years before I started on this journey. I was wholly unprepared for the new cultural differences which would present themselves.

1. Telling someone they’re fat is not taboo.
‘ Wow, you got your hair cut.’ carries similar weight to ‘Wow, you got fat.’ I knew this but was still surprised that, when I was six months pregnant, complete strangers would stop me to point out how fat I was.

2. Some Thai people assume foreigners are crazy.
My cleaner saw that we (when I was seven months pregnant, and she saw me every week) had installed a crib and decorated a nursery. Her response:

3. Pregnant people are seen as very delicate.
I had to work really hard to convince my wife I wasn’t going to lose the baby if I lifted something or kneeled. Then I realized that I could have a nine month excuse not to clean the house, so I stopped trying.

4. People have different ideas about health and safety.

This is not limited to Thai’s. Plenty of Westerners think it’s a great idea to have their first go on a moped in Thailand. Wearing shorts and t-shirts. With their kids. With no helmets.

5. They have their own set of weird stuff they do to kids.
No cheek pinching or hair ruffling in Thailand, which are also pretty odd, if you think about it.

6. School photo days could put ‘Toddlers in Tiaras’ to shame.
Who wouldn’t want to remember their 4 year old child wearing more make-up than a $10 stripper?

I think the biggest thing which I wasn’t prepared for is how bizarre some of our own cultural ideas and practices are, when seen through someone else’s eyes. Christening gowns (‘Boys wear this? Boys?’), the Easter Bunny (‘It’s a giant rabbit that lays chocolate eggs?’) and the tooth fairy (‘A creature sneaks into a child’s bedroom and buys their old teeth?’) have all, rightly raised an eyebrow here and there.

What are some odd cultural differences you have come across?

This post first appeared on Mommy Rundown

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Baby Swimming

The Baby likes the water, which is a relief as when the temperature hits the 30 oC with 100% humidity, the pool is the only outdoor venue you’ll find me in.

We have been taking the Baby swimming for months, at least once or twice a week. Recently he’s really been getting confident.

 

In the bath, paddling pool or when we sneak into my school pool at the weekends, he splashes and kicks, giggling. If his goal is to get the mummies drenched he achieves it.

 

But when we take him to his (ridiculously expensive 14 GBP a 30 min class) swimming lessons, does he show off his splashing skills? Does he kick his legs when asked? Does he lie down on this back? Does he heck.

 

Every. Flipping. Lesson.

 

*facepalm*

Do you take your kids to baby classes?  Which ones? Do you think they’re worth it?

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Anatomy of a Daytime Playdate with the Guncles

Here is ‘My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows’ ‘s first ever guest post. Penned by the amazing Gunkle (gay uncle), situated over at Tropical Rooster. It is thanks to this wonderful man and his boyfriend that the Mummies’ Big Day Out happened. Here’s how his and the Baby’s day went.

***

11:30 am – The Mummies have arrived at the meeting point. They are ready to drop a baby into my arms. I am not ready. I am still in my apartment.

12:00 pm – We are in the mall and I am getting a lesson in strap-ons from two lesbians. The kind of strap on that goes around your waist. AND has a backstrap. AND is for containing a baby.

12:10 pm – Strap on explained, diaper bag dissected, nearest exit charted. Nervous smiles exchanged around, followed by the Mummies making their split while they can. 12:20  pm– I finally take my hands off the baby’s bottom, which I had been cradling since the drop off as I wasn’t sure if I could trust the baby carrier. I let my hand go, even swung them around somewhat defiantly; baby did not crash to the ground.

12:30 pm– Time to look for food. At first we peruse restaurants according food offerings, then remember that we have a baby. Search is now narrowed to eating places that (a) have a highchair and (b) have a clear escape route so I can quickly evacuate the dining area in case spawn decides to start screaming.

12:40 pm – The solution: A seafood place with lovely views, few diners, eager looking waitresses, and high chairs. A clear path to the exit, like a runway for crying babies, is present. There is also another baby who is noisy and less cute than our borrowed baby. This sets us up for a sympathy win.

1:00 pm – Lunch has gone amazingly well. I fed the lil stinker until he has had enough .Man friend and I both got to eat our food, though at a quickened pace. We are acing it. Tourists are looking. They are admiring us, certainly, for our baby-feeding skills. 1:15 pm – We exit the restaurant. I was down with more public baby time. We walk around the mall taking turns holding our promotional material / borrowed baby. We are serving Bangkok double-man plus baby realness. Ladies coo. Teenagers do double takes. Tourists from scary conservative countries look at us strangely. People admire us (well, him. The baby gets admired.)

1:30 pm – There are signs of trouble. The Baby is making noises that aren’t cute. Evacuate public sphere now.

1:40 pm – We decide to huff it back to my place rather than take the subway one stop. Reasoning: baby is screaming loudly. In underground walkways. Sound is carrying, maybe even echoing. Everyone is staring as our walking speed magically picks up. 1:50 pm – We are infant multitasking. My man friend is digging through the diaper bag,  of course the bottle we desperately need is buried deep under layers of other things. Bottle eventually located. Mixed. Shook. Served. All while on the move.

2:00 pm – He has stopped crying. And at a critical point in the walk, no less. We enter my apartment building and the guards’ jaws must be dropping because this is the youngest chap I’ve ever taken home. He is calm now, so they must think we are pros.

2:00 pm- 2:30 pm – Ten minutes spent wiggling baby into swimmies. Two minutes spent dipping him into my apartment building’s pool. Cries after about six splashes. Cries in elevator. Elevators are small, metal containers that amplify cries.  Not enough time killed by this activity. Guncles fail.

2:30 pm – 4:30 pm –  We try every combination of walking, bouncing, cooing, singing (man friend), cuddling to get some REM cycles going on.  To no avail. Baby is not having it. The gunkles are amateurs.

4:30 pm – The Mummies gloriously return. Baby is not screaming at that moment, meaning we have kind of redeemed ourselves for the past few tear-filled hours. The baby has the biggest smile spread across his face upon catching sight of his moms. I underplay that he was pretty upset for quite a while. I also don’t tell them we secretly attempted to show him an episode of Barney. And Teletubbies. I’m pretty sure one or both of those shows is off-limits. Oh well, he wasn’t that interested anyway. All are happy. My best friends’ baby is still alive. Smiling, even.

You can read this post in its entirety here: Gunkle’s Play Time Date: The Full Version. You can also check out Gunkle’s insightful and funny posts about living in Bangkok at Tropical Rooster. Head over and show him some love!

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Perception Vs Reality 4.0

We got a nice package from the Baby’s Thai Grandma today. We were excited to try out what she had sent. This was the Baby’s perception of the gift in question.

Lots of screaming, crying, wailing and climbing on the Mummy and Mama. And what torture were you subjecting him to which could feel similar to your toes being chewed on by a pair of piranhas, I hear you ask?

We even tried bribing distracting him with a cookie in a desperate attempt to keep them on, to no avail.

Did your kid tolerate shoes when he/she first wore them? If not how did you convince him/her to keep them on?

You can read more in the Perception Vs Reality series here, here and here.

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How the Baby came to be (the other version)

Gosh, I felt all kinds of pressure for this as a few of you said you couldn’t wait. I restrained myself a little as I try to keep this a PG blog, hope you’re not too disappointed.

 

Once upon a time Mama and Mummy met and fell in love.

They got married and after a while the Mummy thought something was missing.

To make a baby you need sperm from a man and an egg from a woman. Mummy and Mama couldn’t make a baby by themselves. Mummy lamented not having a penis. Mama was quite relieved Mummy didn’t have a penis.

Happily they found a nice sperm bank which wanted to make lots of money and help people have families. The sperm bank sent them some sperm all the way from Europe.  After many frantic emails and phone calls by the Mama it was delivered, still frozen.

Mummy and Mama went to see another doctor in Thailand. The Mama was poked and prodded and injected. She actually became blasé about having a male, relative stranger’s hands inside her vagina. Mama and Mummy emptied out their bank account and gave it to the doctor. That doctor took the sperm from the donor and an egg from Mama and put them together. The sperm and egg joined and began to change into an embryo which would later become a baby.

The doctor then took the embryo and put it inside Mama’s uterus. There it began to change and grow into a baby.

Mama’s tummy, boobs,face, arms and butt grew really big while the baby grew inside her for 9 months. She tried to eat healthily but wound up living on mostly cheese and cake. When he was ready he came tearing out of Mama’s vagina and the 9 pound, very round headed Baby was born.

You can read the baby friendly version of this story here 😉

Ever wondered how different it might be raising a baby in Thailand? Head over to The Mommy Rundown where I’m guest posting today and find out.

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How the Baby came to be (baby friendly version)

Once upon a time Mama and Mummy met and fell in love.

They got married and after a while the Mummy thought something was missing.

To make a baby you need sperm from a man and an egg from a woman. Mummy and Mama couldn’t make a baby by themselves.

Happily they found a nice doctor who wanted to be a donor and help people have families. He sent them some sperm all the way from Europe.

Mummy and Mama went to see another doctor in Thailand. That doctor took the sperm from the donor and an egg from Mama and put them together. The sperm and egg joined and began to change into an embryo which would later become a baby.

The doctor then took the embryo and put it inside Mama’s uterus. There it began to change and grow into a baby.

Mama’s tummy grew really big while the baby grew inside her for 9 months. When he was ready he came out of Mama’s vagina and the Baby was born.

Check back tomorrow for the adult version of this story 😉

Ever wondered how different it might be raising a baby in Thailand? Head over to The Mommy Rundown where I’m guest posting today and find out.

*****************Come be my friend!******************

Help me get over my high school unpopularity issues. 

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