The Brutal Butterfly Lifecycle.

 

This story was shared with me by a friend.

 

I decided to up the ante and actually follow through with a Pinterest idea. At school my son had been learning about lifecycles so I decided to get one of those butterfly kits.

My son was so excited when he saw that creepy little caterpillar. I had a brief moment where I wondered why the heck I was inviting a bug into my home but I was soon swept up in his enthusiasm. Especially when he was so captivated by the caterpillar that I was able to put my feet up, have a hot cup of tea and leaf through a magazine for half an hour.

It didn’t stop there. Every morning he rushed to check on the progress of his new best friend. I thought the excitement would wane during the boring cocoon period but he still kept vigil, not wanting to miss the moment his butterfly hatched.

At long last the big day arrived. ‘Out of the cocoon came a beautiful butterfly’. The boy was thrilled, as was I. I was beginning to wonder if the dang thing had died in there.

We talked about what the butterfly would want, now that it could fly. Slowly I began to convince my son that it was cruel to keep the butterfly and we had to release her/him/it. Plus I had no idea the life expectancy of butterflies and wanted it out of the house well before it kicked the proverbial bucket.  After a little pouting and whining he agreed, as I offered him the opportunity to be the one who gave little Beauty his/her/it’s freedom.

With a proclaimed ‘Fly away, budderfly!’ my son removed the mesh cage. The butterfly drunkenly weaved into the sky….

 

 

I accidentally showed my son the real, brutal lifecycle of a butterfly. Oops.

 

 

Have you accidentally scarred you kids for life with pets?

Have you nominated anyone for the MADS awards yet? I’d love your vote under the Baby section. You just need your email address and my webpage address. Takes two minutes and gives me a warm glowy feeling. Thank you!

The Aquisition of Language: Learning to Understand but Ignore One’s Parents

The Baby is starting to understand some of things which are said to him. Understand, I’d like to stress, not heed. Although I’ve heard that doesn’t happen until after the teenage years. Or beyond.

Anyway, I digress. He knows who the Dog is and will look for her when asked. He will race across the room at the speed of light if you utter the word ‘Cheerios’. He will stop, smile and then go in for another chomp if you say ‘no biting’.

‘Sit down’, ‘hold on tight’ and ‘careful’ are also understood in both Thai and English. The Mummy has kicked it up a notch with speaking Thai in the house and it looks like Thai might be the first language the Baby learns. Even I can’t manage not to learn a little as she calls to him to ‘use two hands’, incessantly, in an increasing pitch.

He also will hand things over…most of the time. Which is great and has made giving him a loaded spoon much more appealing. It was not fun before when he’d take a bite and immediately hurl it on the floor, spraying its soggy contents everywhere.

Watching him learn is one of the highlights for parenting for me. I get truly excited when I see him figure out something new. Although often my life immediately becomes more difficult.

With these new developments I can foresee fun times in my lazy future…

‘Baby, before you go to bed can you grab me another cold one from the fridge, please?’

Can’t wait!

Does your kid understand and listen to you?

My Baby is an Animal

Seriously. Take a closer look, yours might be too.

Walking sideways along furniture. Pinching and nipping people. Tendency to go red when annoyed…

 

Crawls along the floor on his belly. Leaves a trail of slobber, vomit, partly chewed food behind him. Not allowed salt….

 

Big eyes. Ridiculously cute. Hasn’t quite grown into all his features yet. Bites people and furniture. Not toilet trained. Difficult to stay mad at….

 

Cheeky, naughty and often does what he is explicitly told not to. Attempts to do horrible things during nappy changes….

Does your child resemble an animal?

Have you nominated anyone for the MADS awards yet? I’d love your vote under the Baby section. You just need your email address and my webpage address. Takes two minutes and gives me a warm glowy feeling. Thank you!

My wife may never leave me alone with the baby again.

The Mummy nipped to the shops alone for two hours and returned to this,

I am pretty sure she doesn’t believe my explanation and thinks I wasn’t watching him closely enough and could have prevented him getting hurt.

But I did watch him. I watched him spot me from across the room, shriek with laughter and start racing towards me with his soldier crawl. I watched him somehow get his arm stuck under his chest. I watching him face-plant with a speed and force which had me wincing before he even started screaming.

Sure, it did take me a few minutes to realize he was bleeding. It was only when, after carrying him and bouncing him, I noticed his cheek was a funny colour. And so was his blanket. That was when I saw his lip getting fatter right before my eyes.

But I was watching him. Seriously who could predict their kid would nose dive into the tiles with their belly on the floor?!

Other than that I coped admirably in my wife’s absence….

 

 

 

If you like this could you be an absolute darling and nominate me for the MADS in the ‘Baby Blogs’ section? All you need is your email address and http://pooprainbows.com. Takes about 1 minute. Gracias, วิธีสมัครเว็บ, merci, danke, and cheers m’duck!

Fury

Something is happening to the Baby. I’m not thrilled about it.

Our sweet, smiling boy is slowly morphing into someone else entirely. Someone who spends large portions of his day absolutely effing furious.

Reaching things, objects which wont be manipulated in the way that he wants, mummies who leave the room, nap times, meal times, getting his nappy changed. Anything and everything sees his totally lose his sh#$ in a spectacular manner.

Often it’s out of the blue. We are frequently being our hilarious selves, enjoying his giggles and then out of left field he is raging on the floor, stampy feet and everything.

My parents got to witness a small taste of this over Skype. They showed their support through smirks and sarcastic mutterings of my ‘placid’ nature as a child. Try not to enjoy my discomfort too much, Granny and Grandpa, you guys are babysitting him in a few short months.

But it’s OK because for the last two days I have been in a rare mood where it all seems a little hilarious. Possible because tonight is going to involve this…

Tomorrow might see me in a different mood though. Someone please tell me this a phase that he will (quickly) grow out of.

If you like this could you be an absolute darling and nominate me for the MADS in the ‘Baby Blogs’ section? All you need is your email address and http://pooprainbows.com. Takes about 1 minute. Gracias, วิธีสมัครเว็บ, merci, danke, and cheers m’duck!

And I thought I used to know nothing about babies…

Today the Baby and I had a trip out into the real world and I came to two conclusions: People are so sweet to babies and being sweet doesn’t necessarily mean you know anything about babies.

I had half an hour or normal shopping, wearing a sleeping Baby on my back and having most people ignore me thinking I was just wearing a regular backpack. Then, just as I ordered a coffee (of course) he woke up. Then I was treated to smiles and conversations from suddenly friendly strangers for the rest of the trip.

Thanks to the well-meaning man who tried to give my baby a bottle of sugar. The thought was nice but I think we’ll stick to water and milk for the moment. Also if you hear a mother repeating ‘Doesn’t want, thanks’ in your language over and over, please heed her. Even if the Baby is reaching out with a look in his eye like he really really wants it.

And the gent in the lift who thought I pushed that 8 kg baby out of my vagina a month ago, no. Thank all that is good, I did not. He did enough damage at 4 kg almost 10 months ago.

If you like this could you be an absolute darling and nominate me for the MADS in the ‘Baby Blogs’ section? All you need is your email address and http://pooprainbows.com. Takes about 1 minute. Gracias, วิธีสมัครเว็บ, merci, danke, and cheers m’duck!

Who’s his real mum?

I don’t mind being asked ‘Who’s his mum?’. Maybe the questioner doesn’t realize we’re a couple. Perhaps they are surprised I could be so lucky as to wind up with such a hot woman to share my life with. Perhaps they think I’m a friend just tagging along to help my buddy with her baby.

I don’t mind people asking ‘Who’s his father?’ because they probably don’t know that we use the term ‘donor’ and again, people are curious. I am nosy about other people too…although I tend to wonder silently.

‘Who’s his real mum?’ is different though. I take it to mean that the questioner has understood there are two mums in this equation and is dismissing or downgrading one of us, purposefully or not. So here’s the response I’ve been working on for the next available opportunity:

What do you think?

Something Which Strikes Dread Into a Parent’s Heart

I glanced over at the empty space opposite my house a while ago and saw something which made my stomach drop and churn. An absolute nightmare for the parent of any baby. Something which would plague me for months to come…

Well OK, so this is Thailand. What I actually saw was a bunch of guys in shorts, flip flops, balaclavas and t-shirts with some busted up tools and equipment. I don’t think hard hats, tool belts and high visibility jackets are exactly compulsory here.

Ahem.  Anyway my suspicions were correct. Our neighbors are building another house in their expansive garden. The horror!

The workers arrive just in time to start the noisiest equipment 10 minutes into the baby’s morning nap. They then take an extended lunch break, wait until he’s just fallen asleep in the afternoon and then start drilling. @)$%^ @#$#%^) @#@#$%^*(&.

The only thing allowing me to hang precariously onto my sanity is the fact that they pack it in for the day at 5pm and don’t work weekends.

So now we get to hold the squalling baby after his 20 minute nap and watch the very slow progress of the building site outside his window. Fun times.

*sighs and cracks open another beer*

If you like this could you be an absolute darling and nominate me for the MADS in the ‘Baby Blogs’ section? All you need is your email address and http://pooprainbows.com. Takes about 1 minute. Gracias, วิธีสมัครเว็บ, merci, danke, and cheers m’duck!

 

Perception vs Reality: Giving the Baby a Bottle

Among my many romantic notions about parenting was the sweet joy of feeding the baby his bottle. I wont even mind getting up at night (HA!), thought I, as it will be so sweet and cuddly. And it was…for a time.

Now it’s a mostly stressful activity, trying to wrestle a very active baby into lying back and being still, both of which he hates. Then trying to judge whether he is actually not hungry or is just waiting for the fifth (sixth, seventh…) offering before he accepts. Does he want to hold the bottle? Did he push it away on purpose? Is he full or just distracted? Is the formula bad? Did I forget to sterilize? Is it too close to his last bottle? Did he eat too much at dinner to want it?

And finally, when he’s settled down and you’re getting that soul repairing eye-contact with those gorgeous big browns, thinking maybe this parenting lark isn’t so bad after all… this happens:

Hey, while your in there grab that big booger for me, will ya? Please?

 

If you like this could you be an absolute darling and nominate me for the MADS in the ‘Baby Blogs’ section? All you need is your email address and http://pooprainbows.com. Takes about 1 minute. Gracias, วิธีสมัครเว็บ, merci, danke, and cheers m’duck!

 

How to Entertain a Baby

If you’re anything like me some days can be loooong. I find it tough to keep the Baby occupied sometimes. Here are some ideas to help you entertain your baby.

Give him food. Don’t misunderstand me, give him food but don’t expect him to actually eat it. If you harbour ideas about him consuming the nutritionally balanced, organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, salt-free delicacy you have lovingly prepared, dismiss them. That way madness lies, my friend. The process of not eating will keep him busy for at least 20 minutes.

Give him something questionable to play with. As I’m sure you’ve realized, appropriate toys are not fun, at least not for long. However something he’s probably not supposed to have but that is not outright dangerous will keep him occupied for ages.

Teach him something inappropriate. Showing him how to do something which will drive you batty in the long term is a surefire way to keep him happy and busy. Stair climbing and hitting pans with wooden spoons are prime examples.

Do messy play. Don’t worry if your tot loses interest in the rice it took you hours to colour within a few minutes. Just make a move to tidy it up and he’ll come rushing back to untidy it again.

Play with blocks. I am yet to meet a kid who doesn’t take a sadistic pleasure in knocking down their parents painstakingly built block tower.

Really enjoy something. Show a deep interest or love of something and your baby will enthusiastically take that item from you.

Go swimming. More time will be spent getting to the pool, wrestling yourself and your baby into your swim gear, showering and changing back again than will be spent in the pool (x5) but it’s a definite time killer.

Get a pet. Hours of fun watching a pet misbehave and trying to eat/maul a pet. The Baby will sit nicely to watch the Dog mess about even in his whiniest moments. More entertaining that even the TV.

There you go. Go forth and entertain, parents!

 

What do you do to keep your baby busy?