Parenthood: Lowering standards every day

Everyday my standards get a little lower.

In the first few months anything that went in the Baby’s mouth was sterilized. Then things were given a rinse. Now they’re wiped on something clean-ish.

He was going to get only fresh, home-cooked fruit, veg and meat. Now he is sustained by a diet which is 60% Cheerios.

His toys were all going to be stimulating and educational. Now we go for anything which will occupy him for more than 30 seconds.

And then there are our expectations for his behaviour…

Lunch in a nice restaurant:

Celebrate the little things, people.

There’s no sick leave for mums

I’m feeling a bit under the weather today. Actually I feel like someone polished the inside of my throat with sandpaper, stomped all over my body then forced me to run marathons all night.

Luckily for me the Baby has decided to take it easy today too. He has happily lay around, cuddling with me and watching old movies while eating biscuits and sipping warm tea with lemon.

…

Bahahahahaahahaha! As if!

I am actually looking forward to school on Monday. I’ll be able to nurse my hypochondriac flu much better in a class of 12 kindergartners than I will at home with one baby.

*coughs pathetically and clutches her lukewarm tea*

An Open Letter to the Dog

Dear Dog,

Thanks.

Thanks for not whining, for always wanting to cuddle and for eating every last scrap of food given to you.

Thanks for helping clean up after the Baby’s meals. I can imagine how much it pains you to eat an extra meal three times a day plus snacks.

Thanks for welcoming everyone into our house by licking their toes. The sentiment is sweet…a little, tiny bit worrying should anyone ever break into the house but I guess we didn’t buy a Shi Tzu thinking it would make a good guard dog.

Thanks for taste testing the Baby regularly. Be sure to let us know if his flavour changes one day. It might mean something bad.

Thanks for being a silent, fuzzy love bug after a long mothering day.

Thanks giving me an excuse not to vacuum. Sometimes I wonder if I should clean and then decide I don’t want to scare you. Plus you seem to be a much better cleaner anyway.

Thanks for being tolerant of the Baby. We’re trying to teach him to be gentle, but as you can see from the bite marks and bruises covering the mummies, it’s a long road.

On that note, please feel free to shift your lazy butt across the room to avoid being mauled by the Baby. I know you can do it. I’ve seen the speed you get out of his way when he’s scooting around in his toe-crusher  walker.

Thank you, Dog. Keep up the good work.

 

Love

Mama

 

My Best Parenting Tip

In the last nine months I have accrued many little jots of wisdom *. Most of them have been learnt (learned?) the hard way.

Today one was reinforced, with vigor.  I already knew this rule, nay- law. Today I stupidly chose to ignore it.

 

You’re welcome.

What parenting laws would you like to pass on to others? Also if you can explain to me the appropriate use of learned/learnt that’d be great.

 

* and a whole lot of ‘who the heck knows

The Many Roles of a Parent

I’m learning all sorts of skills as a parent. I never realized how many jobs fall under the title ‘mother’.

1. Chef

2. Chauffeur

Opening the door. Providing snacks and drinks. Stopping when asked.

 

3. Children’s Entertainer

 

 

4. Risk Management Assessor

Able to spot a choking hazard from 100 yards away.

5. Doctor

 

6. Martial Arts Expert

Ninja reflexes to catch falling food, toys and babies. Protective stances to block bites and hits.

7. Fashion Consultant

 

7. Accountant

How much for nappies?!

8. Secretary

 

And that’s just for starters!

What other jobs are you doing within your role as a parent?

Part Baby, Part Hamster

Mama: There you go, Baby. All ready for your swimming lesson.

Mama: Hang on, are you eating something? What is that?

Mummy: We’re not supposed to feed him half an hour before his lesson!

Mama: I haven’t given him anything. What is it?

*struggles with Baby lockjaw

Mama: Ew, chewed up chicken.

Mummy: He had some chicken with his lunch at 12.

Mama: It’s 1.45 now! I don’t remember reading about this in the Baby Led Weaning guide!

Fresh, New Torture for the Baby

 

Here is the Baby today, acting like he’s just been placed on a bed of hot coals, razor blades and Lego.

What was the actual surface he had been sat on?

Grass. Oh, the humanity!

 

 

 

Six Steps for Eating

The Baby has a strict process for eating. How else could he stretch a meal into an hour (plus) long activity?

1.

The Mama has nicely laid out some pieces of food perfect for grabbing. The Baby isn’t interested. He has his eye on an infinitesimal spec, barely worth bothering with. He will spend several minutes chasing the spec around his tray.

2.

The Baby will check that the Mama is watching, ready to catch a falling piece of food with ninja like reflexes. The Baby may proceed to the ‘Too Slow’ or straight to the ‘Oh-So Close’.

3.

You took your eye off the ball for a second, Mama. Another snack for the Dog.

4.

The spec is on it’s way, tantalizingly close to the goal. From this step the Baby could go back to the ‘Are You Paying Attention’ or move on to either the ‘Butterfingers’ or the ‘Wrist Deep’.

5.

Dang it! That slippery spec has escaped. Return to stage 1.

6.  

He has made it. The spec is too small to place into the mouth alone. All fingers must accompany the spec, down to the wrist joint, if possible. The spec may or may not be removed with the fingers. Return to step 1.

In the meantime I have developed an eye-twitch and am sitting on my fingers in an attempt to restrain myself from going and getting a spoon.

Does your child also follow these strict steps?

Jekyll and Hyde Baby

Today the Baby and I had a rare, unaccompanied outing to participate in the joys of Thai Immigration services.  I was somewhat anxious to be stuck queuing for hours with the Baby and no Mummy. Thankfully the Baby was on his best behavior, showing off how good he can be to the crowd.

 

 

 

Thanks for pulling it together today and making me look like I’m nailing this parenting thing, Baby!

 

Does your child inexplicably behave better outside of the house? 

The Smell Hangover

3.4 seconds later….

 

Poor Baby. Betrayed by the smell hangover again.