Of Course I Work Out

‘Do you go to the gym?’ A well meaning stranger asked.

‘No. I hate it and I’ve decided life is too short. I do work out though.’ I replied.

 

‘I lift 18 lbs for about 30 minutes at least four of five times a day’.

‘I do squats for around 10 minutes at least 10 times a day.’

‘I do between 30 minutes and an hour and a half of stamina and endurance training three times daily.’

‘I wrestle for 10 minutes with an opponent much younger than me about four times a day’.

Really, it’s a wonder I’m not completely ripped.

Are you doing the mummy exercises? What did I miss?

This one is dedicated to Sarah over at Run Jump Scrap who reminds me that consuming 1kg of raisins isn’t that healthy, actually goes to the real gym *ahem-nutcase* and put me on to this idea.

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The Sleep Through the Night Tease

The other morning we had a bit of a miracle in the Poop Rainbows house.

We had a lovely day with little whining and long naps and then went to bed with bottles prepared for his normal nightly wake-ups.

Oh my, thought I. Perhaps we’ve finally reached the stage where he sleeps through the night. Hooray!

And then I caught a nasty cold and quickly passed it on to the Baby.

It was nice while it lasted. Sigh.

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What’s Wrong With My Baby?!

The other day was the first Saturday of my holidays. It was a weird day, to say the least.

Bizarrely the Baby didn’t wake us up multiple times in the night. He woke up squawking at 5am, drank milk and then fell back asleep until 7am (!) , which is 13 hours of sleep . Even weirder that I also slept until 7, waking up just a few minutes before he started babbling on the monitor. Much more civilized than the screaming 5am starts we’d grown accustomed to.

The strangeness continued. The Baby ate all his breakfast without complaint, drank all his milk before his nap and then slept for an hour and 45 minutes. Normally he chucks his food to the Dog, rejects the milk and sleeps for 30 minutes at which point I consider sobbing into my 4th cup of coffee.

Then, in the car the Baby babbled happily for the 40 minutes it took us to drive to the mall. Often that journey has me threatening to exit the moving car on the motorway because I can’t take another minute of his screaming.

At the mall he was cute and charming. He played nicely in one of the indoor playgrounds, didn’t object while we window shopped and then was a model citizen in the restaurant. He even ate over half of of his first ever tuna croissant and didn’t whine when the Mummy took her time finishing her sushi.

We were a little late for his nap returning home and he still sat happily watching his songs in the back of the car, alone. He didn’t even do his normal trick of falling asleep 5 minutes before we arrived. At home he again finished his milk and then nodded off for another hour and a half. What sorcery is this?!

After nap time we played happily together with his toys. He didn’t cry, whine or even have a meltdown when I rescued the Mummy’s phone from his sweaty little grasp. We fed him something new, homemade, balanced and without dairy for dinner and he gobbled that right up too. After another short play we started his bedtime routine. 30 minutes later, at 6’30pm he was fast asleep.

This day was completely at odds with every other day we’ve had for the past month. We had accepted cranky, difficult Baby as the new normal and then he goes and throws us this perfect day curve ball.

I thought I’d capture this day for prosperity as I’m not sure when the next perfect day will be.  A tiny part of me kind of hopes this is not going to be an everyday thing as what the heck will I blog about?

Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be back to his difficult and entertaining self tomorrow.

 

Motherhood Made Me a Scaredy Cat

When I was 12 I got into horror in a big way. I read everything I could get my hands on, starting softly with Goosebumps by RL Stine and progressing to Stephen King a few years later. It never bothered me. I was able to remind myself it wasn’t real and never really got too frightened.

When I was pregnant things began to change. I was previously fairly desensitized to violence. I didn’t particularly enjoy the gruesome special effects but I could stomach them. I have sat through heads being cleaved in half and people been eaten alive with nary a wince. Then, when pregnant I began having to hide behind my hands.

I could no longer sit through anything which involved child abuse or rape and frequently had to ask the Mummy to choose something cheerier.

This week I was particularly distressed by both an episode of Orange is the New Black and Game of Thrones which both contained scenes of violence towards women. I didn’t really think too much about my reaction at the time but it bothered me much more than it would have pre-baby.

Last night the Mommy and I decided to watch Insidious. I used to love watching scary movies in the dark, often laughing as I jumped and really getting a kick out of the fear. Not last night. Last night I almost hit the roof at every jumpy part. The Mummy had to stop holding my hand because I was painfully squeezing the life out of her fingers. More than once she thought about turning it off and more than once I almost let her.

What’s wrong with me? My brother would be appalled. I feel like motherhood flicked some ‘damsel in distress’ gene on in me. Where has my kickbutt, Brianne of Tarth-ness gone? Did anyone else change after having a baby?

We’re watching Insidious 2 tonight because apparently I am a masochist. But please, if things start moving around in my house of their own accord can I come and live with you???

 

 

 

 

 

 

Standards and Mum Logic

I decided to take the Baby to the end of our last day of school to say goodbye to the teachers who wouldn’t be returning after the holidays and, lets face it, to show him off a little.

True to form the Baby was winning hearts left, right and center. At times he got a little overwhelmed with the amount of people keen to prod and poke him and snuggled closer to me, which only served to increase his cuteness.

The school ordered a lot of pizza so the staff could have lunch together before we went our separate ways. The Baby sat beautifully on my lap, eating almost all of my share of the pizza.

Standards, dear readers. It’s all about the standards and mum logic.

 

A Guide to Surviving 24 Hours With The Baby

In a few short weeks we will be in Spain where, after a few settling in days, the Baby will be  deposited with his Grandparents and my wife and I will head for the hills like the hounds of hell are snapping at our heels.

It occurred to me that the Grandparents might need a few pointers on how to survive 24 hours with the Baby so here goes.

Wake up

A bright and early start between 5-6am is had by the Baby. You will wonder where he gets all his energy from when you can barely lift your coffee to your lips. Especially when he woke up every two hours the night before. Expect to wrestle with him to change him and brush his teeth, it will help you wake up.

Nappy Changes

Good luck with that.

Meals

The Baby alternates daily between having the appetite of an anorexic supermodel and a scrum of teenage rugby players. He may consume everything you put in front of him or chuck it all on the floor. Offer him a varied, healthy selection but expect that he will only eat white food, particularly dairy. He will almost always be happy to steal your food but don’t bother making him his own plate, it tastes better from yours. If you have something you are almost positive he’ll hate you’ll probably find that he eats it all.

Naptimes

The Baby usually naps about 3 hours after he last woke up. Except for the days he doesn’t. He’ll usually sleep for an hour or and hour and a half. Except for the days he doesn’t. A story, milk and being zipped into his sleeping bag should get him ready for sleep. He normally only fusses for a few minutes before nodding off. Except for the days he doesn’t. If he’s being really whiney and it’s been a while since he slept put him down for a nap, for your sanity if nothing else.

 

Play

The Baby will mostly ignore all the Baby safe items in favor of demanding something valuable, breakable, dangerous or a combination of all three. Guaranteed the minute you take your eye off him will be the minute he face plants or falls off something. You will spend more time getting him ready for swimming than he will actually spend in the pool. Taking him out and about to flirt with strangers is a good strategy but be aware he will find the dirtiest, most germ laden items to wrap his lips around. If all else fails and you are genuinely concerned you might be losing your marbles putting on annoying, scary and inappropriate nursery rhymes sung in an Indian accent is about the only thing which will keep him still for more than 1 minute 30 seconds.

Snacks

Snacks will also buy you some peace and quiet. No, Grandma. Step away from the chocolate. Put down the ice cream. That will not help your cause in the long run. Raisins, rice crackers, Cheerios and baby biscuits are your friend. The 5 second rule is applicable during snack consumption. It’s building up his immunity.

Bed time

By now you’ve probably been waiting for this glorious moment for several hours. A quick bath, pjs, sleeping bag, story, milk, brush teeth and you’re done. Singing while he’s drinking milk might distract him enough that he drinks a lot and pushes back his first wake up by a few hours. Put him down awake and leave the room. If you wait for him to fall asleep you’ll be there all night, trust me. He will protest when you first leave but will probably have settled by the time you pour your first glass of wine. Sit down and relax until the first wake up, probably around 11/12.

 

Well done, you’ve survived.

 

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Weaning Nappies

Baby nappies are never nice but if you think newborn dirty nappies are bad you aint seen nothing yet. Oh yes, when you start introducing solids you open yourself up to a whole new world of poop. Strange, disgusting….and fascinating.

Particularly horrifying highlights have been when we thought he’d hidden a packet of raisins in his nappy only to realize they had in fact been eaten. Or the time I worried he was dying because of the flecks of red which I later realized were tomatoes.

The other day, during his fourth (!) dirty nappy of the day I was in for another scary surprise…

Black sesame seeds are not digested by baby tummies, in case you were wondering.

 

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A Dirty Protest

Our previously pretty living room now resembles a soft play area. There are no nicknacks in reach of little hands, brightly colored pieces of plastic are scattered everywhere and half of the floor is covered with large foam mats.

The downstairs of our house is open plan. All of the furniture has been pushed to the sides so there is a large, uncluttered area where the Baby can play with his big toys.

I was sitting on the mats the other day keeping an eye on the Baby who was desperately trying to electrocute himself by playing with the wires on the fan. I leaned back with my hands behind me and turned, wondering what my fingers had just touched.

Meters and meters of open, tiled, easily cleaned floor and where does the Dog decide to take a sh#%? Message received, Dog.

In related news we know of a cute, partially house broken dog looking for a new home.

 

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How Not To Babyproof

I walked into the kitchen the other day to find the Baby gleefully opening and closing one of the sliding drawers. The drawer full of tupperwear? No, of course not. No, he was playing in the drawer where we keep all the big, sharp knifes and other finger removing utensils.

Woops, thought I. Time to up ante on the baby-proofing…again.

So off we trudged to the local cheapo store where we’d heard rumor of affordable baby locks and other goodies. Bearing in mind it took me a week to ‘adapt’ the fan cover we bought there to make it function, I should have known better.

Number of locks purchased and installed: 5

Number of times I couldn’t figure the locks out to get into the cupboard: 4

Number of locks broken in first hour by mummies forgetting they are there: 3

Number of locks still in place and functional: 1

Number of times the Baby has tried to open the locked cupboard since the locks were installed: 0

We’re leaving the impenetrable lock on the poison cupboard because we don’t want the Baby chugging back bleach, I can’t figure out how to open the flaming thing anyway and it gives me an excuse not to clean as I can’t access the chemicals.

The lock on the big knife drawer was the first to break…..He’ll only mess around with huge knives once though, right?

 

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An Unexpected Oasis

A few days ago the Mummy, the Baby and I made an unexpected find.

I walked into an establishment I’d normally try to avoid for the first time and was amazed.

There was free tea, coffee, water, soft drinks and snacks. There were cozy booths, regular chairs with a prime viewing spot in front of the TV. There was even two programmable massage chairs which I quickly discovered would recline and simultaneously work on my shoulders, feet and calves…for free!

It was heading towards the Baby’s bedtime. We were forced to wait in this establishment for two hours. How was his mood?

Not only was this place looking out for the adults it also catered to the kids. There was a big slide with a play house underneath, an activity center, a big TV showing cartoons, multiple Lego and Duplo tables with pint-sized chairs, books, blocks, colouring-in and balloons. The whole area had a foam floor. Plus there were no other kids, staff were hanging around to make goo-goo eyes at and enough people coming and going to charm. Baby paradise, in short.

And what was this magical establishment?

Our new dentist.

Do you think weekly teeth cleanings are out of the question?

 

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