Ten Commandments for Having a Toddler

1. Thou shalt not take thine eyes off thy charge for one minute lest he becomest permanently disfigured.

2. Thou shalt not be surprised if the meal thou hath slaved over is rejected without pause or hesitation.

3. Thou shalt not declare ‘My baby slept through the night’ as henceforth your baby shall never sleep through again.

4. Thou shalt not expect to arrive anywhere in a timely fashion.

5. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of teething.

6. Thou shalt not leave the house without a change bag, lest you tempt a poonami of biblical proportions.

7. Thou shalt not give the baby something important, like keys to play with and not watch him like a hawk.

8. Thou shalt not do thine hair and makeup as this shall cause thy baby to projectile vomit all over you moments before you leave the house.

9. Thou must accept that it is no longer possible to simultaneously have a clean house, baby and self.

10. Thou must accept that every morn shall bring equal doses of joy and blood boiling fury when in proximity to a toddler.

 

How to finish a hot coffee in the presence of a baby.

The title of this post might sound like an impossibility to you if you have young children. How many times have you made yourself a much needed caffeine hit, put it up high out of reach of the baby and forgotten about it?

Have you ever opened the microwave to reheat your coffee only to find a yesterdays forgotten mug still in there?

I may have the answer. The Mighty Mug.

This clever mug is designed to keep your hot drinks hot and your cold drinks cold. This morning I made my coffee and tried to drink it whilst feeding the baby, dealing with a pretty horrific dirty nappy, feeding the dog, letting the dog out, yelling at the dog to get back in, playing cars, shutting my ears to high pitched shrieks while retrieving a car which had gone astray, checking Twitter and joining a linky. My last mouthful of coffee was still really warm!

Even better is this mug is designed to be leak proof and the outside doesn’t get too hot. The lid takes a bit of force to open so I don’t have to worry about hiding it on a shelf up high where I’ll forget about it.

But this is the part which blows my mind- this mug can’t be knocked over yet still lifts to drink like a normal mug. What in the what what?!

When it first arrived I was worried it was a suction mug. We’ve tried suction bowls for the Baby in the past with disastrous consequences. He sees the suction as a personal challenge to his strength and will not rest until it has been wrenched from whence it was placed.

The Mighty Mug is not a suction mug. The Baby can lift it easily so there is no challenge but if he bumps it, it wobbles but doesn’t fall.

If the Mummy is not around and I get brave enough to hit a spider with something you better believe I smash the heck out of that creature of nightmares to make sure it’s good and dead. The Might Mug didn’t tip even when I hit it with spider killing force. We rolled cars and balls into it. The Baby knocked it with his knees. Even the Dog had a go. The Mighty Mug remained strong.

I’ve no idea how it works but it does and it is fantastic. Check out this clip to see what I mean.

Details:

• Leakproof lid
• Car cup holder friendly
• Dishwasher safe
• BPA free
• 100% happiness guaranteed
• Sign up for the newsletter at themightymug.com for a 20% discount

***Disclaimer***

I was sent this mug in exchange for this review but all opinions are my own.

 

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How Not To Babyproof

I walked into the kitchen the other day to find the Baby gleefully opening and closing one of the sliding drawers. The drawer full of tupperwear? No, of course not. No, he was playing in the drawer where we keep all the big, sharp knifes and other finger removing utensils.

Woops, thought I. Time to up ante on the baby-proofing…again.

So off we trudged to the local cheapo store where we’d heard rumor of affordable baby locks and other goodies. Bearing in mind it took me a week to ‘adapt’ the fan cover we bought there to make it function, I should have known better.

Number of locks purchased and installed: 5

Number of times I couldn’t figure the locks out to get into the cupboard: 4

Number of locks broken in first hour by mummies forgetting they are there: 3

Number of locks still in place and functional: 1

Number of times the Baby has tried to open the locked cupboard since the locks were installed: 0

We’re leaving the impenetrable lock on the poison cupboard because we don’t want the Baby chugging back bleach, I can’t figure out how to open the flaming thing anyway and it gives me an excuse not to clean as I can’t access the chemicals.

The lock on the big knife drawer was the first to break…..He’ll only mess around with huge knives once though, right?

 

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My wife may never leave me alone with the baby again.

The Mummy nipped to the shops alone for two hours and returned to this,

I am pretty sure she doesn’t believe my explanation and thinks I wasn’t watching him closely enough and could have prevented him getting hurt.

But I did watch him. I watched him spot me from across the room, shriek with laughter and start racing towards me with his soldier crawl. I watched him somehow get his arm stuck under his chest. I watching him face-plant with a speed and force which had me wincing before he even started screaming.

Sure, it did take me a few minutes to realize he was bleeding. It was only when, after carrying him and bouncing him, I noticed his cheek was a funny colour. And so was his blanket. That was when I saw his lip getting fatter right before my eyes.

But I was watching him. Seriously who could predict their kid would nose dive into the tiles with their belly on the floor?!

Other than that I coped admirably in my wife’s absence….

 

 

 

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My house is a death trap

Seriously. I never realized before we had a baby but I’m amazed the Baby has made it this far.

For instance before the Baby I never thought twice about the kitchen cleaning cupboard. Now I’m like:

 

When I was pregnant I thought living in a house with only tiles and no carpets would make cleaning up after the baby much easier. Now…

Does an innocent, empty CD rack escape my scrutiny? Nope.

 

 

And the sofa? Previously my favorite, comfy spot to relax. Yup, that’s changed too.

 

 

Don’t even get me started on the blatant hazards like the plug sockets (which in Thailand catch fire more than one would like), the stairs and the brain-crushing sharp edges EVERYWHERE. I’m not joking, someone pass the cotton wool and bubble wrap.

Am I the only one struggling with baby-proofing?

Did you know that sometimes I right serious articles? And sometimes people even publish them. Head over to Ripped Jeans and Bifocals to check one out.

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The Baby’s Inadvertent Warning Alarm

You know when you see parent with their kids on one of those backpack leashes? Or when you’re being driven mad by the kid in the airport running around in the squeaky shoes? Those clever parents have used those tools for a reason. To avoid their tots doing what kids do best: getting into trouble.

We’ve baby-proofed as best we can for the moment. Somethings, however cannot be removed or made completely baby-friendly. I am now regretting the floor lamps- for example. And the Dog, with her highly chewable feet and her licky ways.

The bad news is the Baby is still at the soldier-crawl stage and not yet ready for the aforementioned trouble prevention tools. The good news is the Baby has come with his own, inbuilt trouble alert-er.

When the Baby spots something he shouldn’t have or decides to do something he shouldn’t do he gets excited and emits a little giggle as he races towards said forbidden object. This giggle is particular to this activity. It is heard and responded to by the mummies from up to 500 yards away, through nursery rhymes and thunder. It.is.amazing. I’m pretty sure it has prevented some trips to Accident and Emergency.

Please don’t get better at being naughty, Baby. The mummies need their early warning system!

Does your kid have an accidental way of letting you know they’re up to something?

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My new toy which makes me feel like Zeus.

There are many great things about raising a baby in Thailand, but those things don’t make for amusing blog posts. So here is one of the worst things. Every now and again the Baby wakes up like this:

Not measles (thank heavens) but the aftermath of an all night mosquito buffet. We do our best to protect him. We have screens on all the windows and anyone hesitating going through the doorway gets yelled at. I’m worried about him inhaling mosquito plug-in fumes all night or inhaling one of those mosquito patches for kids so those are out. His bedroom door is firmly shut at all times. But still, every now and again one of those little fu…pests slips through.

We use a fan if we know there’s one in there (best natural mossie repellent!) but we get complacent if it’s been a while.

Nothing make a mum more furious than a perceived threat to her child. Apart from the bites feeling horribly itchy and looking awful, mosquitoes carry disease. Dengue fever is rife here.

Just that ‘nnnnnneeeeeeeee’ sound in my ear makes my blood boil and my cray cray flapping and slapping fits start. Luckily there is a better way.

I am not wielding a tennis racket here. I am wielding an electrified tennis racket. Oh yes! You thought it was satisfying to slap one of the little bas…boogers? You ain’t seen nothing yet! Oh the simple joys of opening the screen door, waving the racket and hearing the sweet sweet sizzle of a dozen mossies! It cost about 2 GBP and plugs into the wall to charge so you don’t even have to buy batteries. I feel like health and safety-wise, like many things in Thailand, it is a little questionable. It has been knows to ‘zap’ even when you are not holding the safety trigger. Perhaps it is not available where you are but if it is, I recommend it.

Had a tough day at the office? Calm your nerves by frying the heck out of all the mosquitoes in your home and garden! Had a trying day with the kids? Unleash your electrical fury like an Olympian and send those mosquitoes down to the burning pits where they belong.

What’s your least favorite uninvited house guest and how do you deal with them?

*Disclaimer: I was not paid, sponsored or endorsed in anyway to write this post by the electrical racket mosquito killing people. I just freaking love it.

**Disclaimer the second: Normally I wouldn’t support cruelty to creatures we share this planet with but if it is a bug of any description who has not kept to their rightful place in the garden/jungle/any place that is not my house I totally reserve the right to rain my fiery vengeance upon them. But not spiders- those need the Mummy’s fire. I’ll be standing on the furniture shrieking.

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Go on! I’ll send you my Zeus Mosquito Racket! OK, probably wont, I love this thing. I’m going to start using it like a lovey. But I’ll give you an internet fistbump- how’s that?

House-Proof Your Baby!

I’m tired of trying to baby proof my rented house without inflicting damage upon either myself or the house. I’ve decided it would be a heck of a lot easier to house proof the baby. Here’s my pitch:

*Read with advertising voice like the TV advertising guy.

Tired of trying to protect your baby from all of the death traps dangers in your home? Confused with how to properly use all of the baby proofing gadgets and gizmos? Why not save yourself the trouble and house-proof your baby?!

With the quick application of one ‘House-proofing suit’- you no longer have to worry about your little one as they become mobile and start to explore.

Features include:

The suit it’s self is made of a patented technology which uses combination of foam, bubble wrap and cotton wool to ensure your baby just bounces right off any sharp corners or edges in your home…or if you drop them.

The suit’s patented helmet is thick enough that even if your little monkey scales your cabinet and pulls the 64 inch wide screen TV down upon themselves they will reemerge unscathed!

The helmet also comes with an inbuilt face shield which will filters germs and bacteria from the air around the child while simultaneously blocking access to the mouth and preventing choking hazards. Fret about your threenager trying to feed the baby legos no more!

The suit has heat proof, thick, thick gloves protecting those fingers from being crushed in doors and also preventing them from picking things up, opening things and sticking their fingers in those oh so enticing plug sockets.

We tested the ‘House-Proof Suit’ with drops of up to 50 feet and temperatures of over 100 C and found no harm had come to our testers.

*Do not try this at home.

So there you have it, folks! The amazing ‘House-Proof Suit’ . Available in two colors: mucous yellow or poop green. Order now for the special price of $69.99 and we’ll even throw it the incredible ‘Alcohol-Proof Suit’ for mum, which includes the ‘breathalyze before use phone feature’. Hurry, offer only available while stocks last!

What do you think? On to a winner?

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Please take literally two minutes for vote for me! Pretty please with sugar on top! Thing of the happiness you’ll bring to this tired poopy mama!