Is Your Baby a Genius?

As the Gunkle is fond of saying ‘Baby time is slow time’.

Oh yes it is. I find as the Baby gets more difficult mobile the seconds on the clock slow their march to a crawl. Unless it’s naptime, that is. Then they’re fairly flipping fly like they’re being chased by a pack of rabid, mangy soi dogs.

Clever Mother Nature is looking out for  me again though. Just when I feel I might slip into a coma through the tedium or have a stress induced stroke she reminds me that my baby is a genius.

An outsider might not be impressed by the Baby’s ability to give kisses when requested in two different languages (!). An outsider might point out that the Baby’s open mouthed, hair pulling, face grabbing embrace resembles a scene from the Walking Dead more than an actual kiss. She or he might also query the wisdom of also sharing these open mouthed kisses with the dog. Me? I think- ‘How cute is my frickin’ genius child?!’

An outsider might watch the Baby concentrating hard as he stacks rings and be unmoved. She or he might suggest that the ring which made it onto the stack probably did by accident. She or he might say that a success rate of 1/43 attempts is nothing to get excited about. Me? I’m all ‘When should we start applying to Oxford?!’

He even learned to pick his nose this week. That must be a sign of advancement, surely. I’m not sure about eating it after, but hey ho. Not to mention the determined and skilled way he demolishes everything within reach. Perhaps he’s one of those savants who is determining how things work by deconstructing them.

Hats off to ya M.N.! It’s certainly more fun to pass the time in the company of a gifted baby than a regular one.

How does your child show their genius?

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First Impressions of the Baby

One of the great things about being in Bangkok is that we are many people’s stop-off point during their around the world traveling trips. I seem to have loads of friends doing this recently. Not that I’m jealous. Nope, not at all….

It’s great though as it means we get to see people we might not see again for many years, if at all. Yesterday a friend, who was my Spanish teacher when I was traveling in Peru several years ago, arrived for an extended visit. Hooray because she’s a great laugh and I’m not sure our paths would have crossed again otherwise.

She had fun with Thai immigration services and arrived late enough for a drowsy cuddle from me and some grunting and pointing at the spare room and the bathroom, through a cavewoman-like nest of bed hair.

I was excited to catch up when I got back from work around lunchtime the next day. We had a distracted chat while the Baby did his thing by her feet. She had spent the last 4 hours with him, and what was her verdict?

Yes. Be warned, visitors. We are now armed with a baby whose cutesy Facebook photos don’t quite paint the full picture.

Perception vs Reality: Giving the Baby a Bottle

Among my many romantic notions about parenting was the sweet joy of feeding the baby his bottle. I wont even mind getting up at night (HA!), thought I, as it will be so sweet and cuddly. And it was…for a time.

Now it’s a mostly stressful activity, trying to wrestle a very active baby into lying back and being still, both of which he hates. Then trying to judge whether he is actually not hungry or is just waiting for the fifth (sixth, seventh…) offering before he accepts. Does he want to hold the bottle? Did he push it away on purpose? Is he full or just distracted? Is the formula bad? Did I forget to sterilize? Is it too close to his last bottle? Did he eat too much at dinner to want it?

And finally, when he’s settled down and you’re getting that soul repairing eye-contact with those gorgeous big browns, thinking maybe this parenting lark isn’t so bad after all… this happens:

Hey, while your in there grab that big booger for me, will ya? Please?

 

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Fresh, New Torture for the Baby

 

Here is the Baby today, acting like he’s just been placed on a bed of hot coals, razor blades and Lego.

What was the actual surface he had been sat on?

Grass. Oh, the humanity!

 

 

 

Jekyll and Hyde Baby

Today the Baby and I had a rare, unaccompanied outing to participate in the joys of Thai Immigration services.  I was somewhat anxious to be stuck queuing for hours with the Baby and no Mummy. Thankfully the Baby was on his best behavior, showing off how good he can be to the crowd.

 

 

 

Thanks for pulling it together today and making me look like I’m nailing this parenting thing, Baby!

 

Does your child inexplicably behave better outside of the house? 

Perception Vs Reality 4.0

We got a nice package from the Baby’s Thai Grandma today. We were excited to try out what she had sent. This was the Baby’s perception of the gift in question.

Lots of screaming, crying, wailing and climbing on the Mummy and Mama. And what torture were you subjecting him to which could feel similar to your toes being chewed on by a pair of piranhas, I hear you ask?

We even tried bribing distracting him with a cookie in a desperate attempt to keep them on, to no avail.

Did your kid tolerate shoes when he/she first wore them? If not how did you convince him/her to keep them on?

You can read more in the Perception Vs Reality series here, here and here.

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5 Things About Pregnancy Which Shocked Me

Perception vs Reality 3.0
Pregnancy did not live up to my expectations.

What I Expected

1. The Bump.

I was hoping for a cute ‘swallowed a basketball’ look. A nice round bump to cradle as I waddled down the street. Instead my baby grew in my face, hands, feet, butt and bra. But mostly in my bra. My pregnancy bosom was so spectacular it dwarfed my stomach. At 8 month people were still commenting that I had put on a lot of weight, not realizing I was pregnant. At 9 months I was induced for fear of my baby being too small. My vagina can assure you that at 9 pounds, too small he was not .

2. The Glow.

Horses sweat, men perspire and women glow, apparently. I call bull****. There was no glow, only three types of sweat- night sweats, daily sweat and post-puking sweat.

3. Luxurious Hair.

My normally lank, sad looking hair became thick and gorgeous almost overnight. It was awesome! So much so, in fact, that the rest of my body grew jealous and decided to join in. Hello hairy tummy, face and nipples! I quickly reached the point where I no longer had access to my legs or nether regions while wielding a razor so they also joined the party.

4. The Odor.

I knew I’d have to pee a lot during pregnancy and I’d heard rumors of constipation. No one talks about the flatulence. Every.Single.Time.I.Moved, Sometimes loud, always deadly. I lost count of the number of times a sneaky one slipped out while I was teaching and I callously blamed the nearest child.

‘Callum! Tut tut tut. Please go to the bathroom!’

5.The End.

Everyone knows birth is painful. No one mentions that a combination of strong narcotics, sleep deprivation, hours of pain, an empty stomach, exhaustion, injury and hormones will leave you more animal than person. Plus no one warned me or my partner not to look down south during the big event. These eyes have seen things which cannot be unseen!

What I Experienced

Did you get any nasty shocks during pregnancy?

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Perception vs Reality 2.0

The Baby wants to taste ALL the things. Behold the delicious, delectable delights on offer! A smorgasbord of yummy treats just waiting to be licked!

The rest of the world sees this:

‘Yup, that’s the Dog’s butt hole. Yum.’

*Thanks to Meg over at Dear Crazy Kids for the inspiration. Check out her blog- I promise you’ll chuckle. Trust me. I read the whole thing.

Perception vs Reality

 

I don’t want to create a ‘mini me’. I will encourage the Baby to use his imagination, think outside the box and view the world differently from how I do but…..

‘Seriously?!’