You’ve given birth, got that little cherub in your arms and kind of figured out the sleeping, feeding, changing routine. Almost.
Now you are hankering after a little company. Company which can communicate in ways other than screaming at a variety of decibels. You consider contacting your besties from pre-sprog but dismiss that idea as a night down the pub isn’t really on the cards right now and your single mates probably don’t want to hear about that nappy which was a worrying shade of green.
What to do? Aha- arrange a play date with some other unfortunate individuals in the same poopy screaming, nightmare situation as you are.
Stage One: 0-3 months.
It took you two hours and a bag which weighs half your body weight but you’ve made it out the house. Chances are you are wearing splotches of bodily expulsions which are not your own and your hair and make-up were neglected when the baby started screaming but nevertheless you’ve escaped the confines of your living room. Congratulations.
At this stage your brain will be so fried with a combination of hormones and sleep deprivation that you will barely be able to make conversation but do try. Especially take advantage of those sacred minutes when your tiny tot falls asleep. Not being distracted by trying to feed/burp/comfort/change a newborn does wonders for your social skills. Use the time to share horror stories, swap concerns and ask advice from your fellow parent in the trenches.
Stage Two: 3-7 months.
By this point you’ve mostly pulled yourself together. You’re remembering to arm yourself with breast pads and burp cloths more often so leaks and spit up stains are fewer and less spectacular. You’ve gotten better at leaving the house and although you’re still far from being on time you are edging a bit closer to being fashionably late.
Now play dates are a little more led by routine. It has taken you several months to craft some kind of a nap schedule and the idea of deviating from that sends shivers of fear running through you. Your baby is less likely to pitch an inexplicable screaming fit and will lie contentedly on his back or stomach for periods of time. This plus the fact your raging tempest of hormones has diminished into a gentle squall means you are often able to finish a sentence and, shock horror, may even be able to sustain a conversation which does not revolve solely around your little bundle of poonamis joy. Enjoy it while you can though as chances are your tot will be quite vocal on the approach to his nap time and it will soon be time to high tail it out of there.
Stage Three: 7-14 months
There’s a chance you might be bagging more than 4 hours sleep in a row and you’ve finally broken down and embraced the electronic babysitter so perhaps you managed to run a brush through your hair and slap on a little mascara before you left the house. A weaning baby means that you’ve gone backwards in the timekeeping stakes. A baby learning to chew, gag, spit out and throw food will not be rushed through meal times.
Play dates are not the relaxing events they used to be as your little one has discovered. (dun dun duuuuun) mobility. You now have to watch them like a hawk as they zero in and make a bee line for the one expensive and breakable item in an otherwise baby-proofed room. Conversations are often abandoned mid sentence as you realize your tot has disappeared from view or has broken into a much treasured board game. At this stage parents with babies of a similar age are the safest bet as they are probably used to and forgiving of these shenanigans. If nothing else think of the work out you’re getting, helping to combat the consumption of goodies which always happens at these events.
At this point you might attend the odd event involving older children and stare, in awe as their parents are mostly left in peace to finish their coffees and chat. Stay strong, my friend. Our time too shall come.
