Tips to Survive a Relationship

For me being in a proper, grown-up relationship was a steep learning curve. The Mummy and I have been together for four years and married for three. Here are somethings I had to learn quickly to make it work.

1. Sharing a bed.

I can be a bit of a starfish when sleeping. I also toss and turn like an earthquake and am a notorious blanket stealer. I even occasionally accidentally try to smother the Mummy with my pillow when I roll over. Over the years I have tried to learn to roll gently without cocooning myself in the duvet, while being careful to stay on my side and keep my knees and elbows to myself. It’s a working progress.

2. Apologize.

It might be hard to believe but I am not perfect and sometimes behave like a right bi… witch. I have learned identifying a moment of being unreasonable and apologizing is helpful. Luckily the Mummy is a forgiving person otherwise she might have divorced me years ago.

3. Learn your spouse’s bug bears.

We all have things that really get on our wick and not all of those are shared by our spouse. ‘Helpful tips’ or micromanaging while I’m cooking, as I call it, drives me up the wall. Shoes on in the house pushes the Mummy’s stress levels and blood pressure up to breaking point.  Learn not to push these buttons. Quickly.

4. Be grateful.

The Mummy does way too much for the Baby and I. Particularly so when I am incapacitated with my back problems….or an overindulgence in vodka and diet coke. Noticing that your clothes don’t stink, rats haven’t laid siege on the kitchen and there is no longer enough food on the floor to feed a small family, and thanking the person who did all that is a small gesture but it’s something. Thank you, Mummy! The Baby and I would be butt naked and starving to death in a pest infested hovel without you!

5. Be direct.

You might think your message will get through via a combination of hints, looks and passive aggressive comments but in most instances you’d be wrong. Save everyone a massive headache and tell your partner what you need from them, even if it seems ridiculous.

It totally worked. I felt loads better.

6. Pick your battles.

I don’t know about you but the sun doesn’t beam out of my sphincter. As wonderful as the Mummy is she’s not perfect either so some things I’ve learned to accept about her. I think she’s had to accept more about me though. Some things about her will never change, like her weird need to save and store packaging. If you can live with it, let it go. Save the interventions for the things which drive you barmy.

 

So there you have it. My suggestions for a pretty happy home life.

 

What tips do you have to make a relationship work over time?

 

Is a Relaxing Holiday with a Toddler Possible?

As I’ve been working hard, scraping cash together for our big move I decided what I needed was a reward. So we decided to spend a chunk of the money. As you do.

The beaches in Thailand are unrivaled by any I’ve experienced anywhere else in the world so far. I want to make the most of them while I’m here and relax a little while I’m at it. So what better than a short trip to one of our favorite spots, Railay beach in Krabi?

In six weeks all this hard work will be worth it as I am able to sink my toes into the sand, lie in the sun and wallow in the warm, shallow water for a few days. It will be so peaceful and relaxing…

(For three nights)

Hmm, perhaps I didn’t think this through…..

How to Survive a Holiday with a Baby

Despite our mega-journey we actually had a lovely holiday in Spain. Here are some top tips I’ve garnered to help you make the most of your vacation with your horror.

 

1. Go self-catered.

This one was key for me. We stayed in a lovely villa with my parents and two of their friends. We had a fully equipped kitchen for me to prepare meals and snacks for the Baby. Jetlag plus the fact that the little guy is a touch high maintenance means he is not always on everyone else’s meal schedules, especially not the southern Spanish’s. I’d have hated rushing round trying to find somewhere open not full of smokers in the 8 and a half minutes we have between the Baby letting us know he’s hungry and a full meltdown ensuing.

We also had an outdoor eating area and portable highchair so he could throw three meals a day on the floor without any waiters glaring at me.

An added bonus was our villa came with it’s own pool. No getting up at the crack of dawn to grab a sunbed. No carrying three million things to take the baby swimming for 15 minutes and then trying to remember to take it all back again. Bliss. Plus the mummies could jump in for a quick swim and cheeky cocktail during mojito time nap time.

We were lucky enough to have help with the accommodation from my parents  but house swapping and/or sharing a villa with friends is a great way to keep holiday costs down. Self catering is much cheaper than eating out for every meal for two weeks too.

2. Go with back up.

Lets face it, time spent with a one year old is not relaxing, and never will be. To combat this I recommend holidaying with other people who don’t yet know what spending hours and hours with a 1 year old is like. Top of my list would be grandparents who haven’t seen the baby for a few months and friends of a grandparent-ing age who don’t have grandchildren of their own and would like to borrow yours for a few hours. Gleefully hand him over and retreat inside for a siesta.

3. Go for a routine.

Ours came about naturally. He mostly had his meals at 7, 12 and 6. He napped around 9 and 1. He slept from 6.30-7.00pm. All these times were a little flexible and there were days where he missed naps but overall it made life easier. During the day at least. The little terror still hasn’t figured out sleeping through the night.

4. Go out and about.

Loads of fun things to do and explore in a new place. All that stimulation is bound to wear out your tot and bring cocktail hour (aka bedtime) on a little faster.

5. Go for it.

We’ve put off going on holiday for ages as I thought it would just be a struggle but I really enjoyed myself. Might even consider another little trip in the next few months…if someone figures out teleportation by then.

 What are your tips for enjoying a holiday with kids?

My 19 Babies

With a huge sigh of relief I am happy to report that our evacuation of our 19 embryos from Thailand was a success. Our future baby making prospects are safely out of the government’s hands, tucked in nicely to a freezer in Madrid.

A few people who I have told have teased me about us potentially having 20 children total. Can you imagine?

Um…yeah…nope. The more mathematically minded of you may have noticed I couldn’t even bring myself to draw 20 children.

Don’t worry, world. I am not about to inflict 20 of my spawn upon you. Even if reality TV has a sudden space in it’s scheduling.

How to Fly with a Baby

We have returned from our mega journey to Spain. Please allow me to share with you some of the wisdom I collected on our 22 hour, 3 plane journey.

1. Pack your hand luggage lightly and strategically.

 

Needless to say we failed epically on this count and had to lug three tons of stuff through every security checkpoint. We were prepared for every eventuality though.

2. Begin or end your journey from an Asian country, preferably Thailand.

This might not be the most practical advice for your holiday but I stand by it. I avoided immigration and security queues (which were significant) both on the way in and out. In Suvarnabhumi airport, the baby and I was ushered into an empty security room where pleasant officers even helped me repack my bags.

 

3. Remember that the person carrying the baby through customs also needs to carry the milk.

As the Baby and I swanned, stress-free through priority security the Mummy was left in the regular line fighting to keep our 10 cartons of milk we had packed for our mammoth trip. Thankfully a sympathetic, parent security guard took pity on her. Phew.

4. Allow the baby to play on the floor for the hour after you board before you take off.

It’s nice getting on before everyone else and getting settled but it does mean that you’re on an hour before a long haul flight begins to taxi. Don’t make our mistake and get everyone buckled in too early.

5. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Because you sure as heck wont be sleeping when he’s awake.

6. Prepare witty come backs for people who are mean about your baby.

A woman sitting near us with her baby was heard to admonish her fellow passenger with a loudly proclaimed: ‘My baby’s crying isn’t nearly as annoying as your snoring!’. The female passenger immediately ceased her sighing and tutting.

7. Know that your baby will choose the most inconvenient time to poop.

Ever tried to get out of the row when everyone has their meals on their tray tables in front of them? Try doing that with a grabby, poonami baby tucked under your arm.

8. Try to plan your first stop to be with family so you have something to look forward to.

Have you attempted a mega journey with kids? What advice would you offer?

The Dreaded Dropped Nap

We had a wonderful schedule that worked for us….for at least a month. The Baby’s naps were like clockwork, one at 8am and one at 1pm. Then he got sick and that all went in the pooper.

Now he’s better and we are still fighting long and exhausting nap battles. In my desperation I consulted Google only to discover that around this age babies often drop their morning nap. Noooooooo!

So keep us in your thoughts, dear readers. The Baby is tired and crabby but not sleepy enough to nap which is leading to a great deal of this:

And more than a smidgen of this:

Anyone got any tips? Advice?….Valium?

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Sugar-Free Diet Insanity

A few days ago I decided to put myself on a sugar/dairy/grain free diet for a couple of weeks.

I’m a terrible calorie counter and I can’t cope with anything complicated or anything involving maths..or thinking (especially when I am hangry*). We’re pretty tight for cash so fancy paid plans weren’t going to work. Plus I used this diet to lose 3 stones in 6 month after University, which I didn’t gain back so I have a little faith in it.

The first few days are the hardest. I have written before about my snack addiction and it’s the sugar that I miss first. Especially when I have to watch the Mummy and the Baby scoffing something I can’t have (whilst silently cursing them and muttering under my breath).

I sit and fantasize about that Organix banana biscuit the Baby has tightly clutched in his fist. I want it soooo bad. It looks delicious and no one would need to know. I don’t think it even has sugar so it wouldn’t even be cheating…

 

Don’t worry, I restrained myself. The Baby’s biscuit is safe…today.

 

How have you fared with diets? What the most effective/easiest one you’ve tried?

*hangry: When one has reached the point of hunger which has a negative effect on their mood and causes them to behave irrationally and with bouts of fury. Hungry/angry- hangry.

The Sleep Through the Night Tease

The other morning we had a bit of a miracle in the Poop Rainbows house.

We had a lovely day with little whining and long naps and then went to bed with bottles prepared for his normal nightly wake-ups.

Oh my, thought I. Perhaps we’ve finally reached the stage where he sleeps through the night. Hooray!

And then I caught a nasty cold and quickly passed it on to the Baby.

It was nice while it lasted. Sigh.

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What’s Wrong With My Baby?!

The other day was the first Saturday of my holidays. It was a weird day, to say the least.

Bizarrely the Baby didn’t wake us up multiple times in the night. He woke up squawking at 5am, drank milk and then fell back asleep until 7am (!) , which is 13 hours of sleep . Even weirder that I also slept until 7, waking up just a few minutes before he started babbling on the monitor. Much more civilized than the screaming 5am starts we’d grown accustomed to.

The strangeness continued. The Baby ate all his breakfast without complaint, drank all his milk before his nap and then slept for an hour and 45 minutes. Normally he chucks his food to the Dog, rejects the milk and sleeps for 30 minutes at which point I consider sobbing into my 4th cup of coffee.

Then, in the car the Baby babbled happily for the 40 minutes it took us to drive to the mall. Often that journey has me threatening to exit the moving car on the motorway because I can’t take another minute of his screaming.

At the mall he was cute and charming. He played nicely in one of the indoor playgrounds, didn’t object while we window shopped and then was a model citizen in the restaurant. He even ate over half of of his first ever tuna croissant and didn’t whine when the Mummy took her time finishing her sushi.

We were a little late for his nap returning home and he still sat happily watching his songs in the back of the car, alone. He didn’t even do his normal trick of falling asleep 5 minutes before we arrived. At home he again finished his milk and then nodded off for another hour and a half. What sorcery is this?!

After nap time we played happily together with his toys. He didn’t cry, whine or even have a meltdown when I rescued the Mummy’s phone from his sweaty little grasp. We fed him something new, homemade, balanced and without dairy for dinner and he gobbled that right up too. After another short play we started his bedtime routine. 30 minutes later, at 6’30pm he was fast asleep.

This day was completely at odds with every other day we’ve had for the past month. We had accepted cranky, difficult Baby as the new normal and then he goes and throws us this perfect day curve ball.

I thought I’d capture this day for prosperity as I’m not sure when the next perfect day will be.  A tiny part of me kind of hopes this is not going to be an everyday thing as what the heck will I blog about?

Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll be back to his difficult and entertaining self tomorrow.

 

Is Your Baby a Genius?

As the Gunkle is fond of saying ‘Baby time is slow time’.

Oh yes it is. I find as the Baby gets more difficult mobile the seconds on the clock slow their march to a crawl. Unless it’s naptime, that is. Then they’re fairly flipping fly like they’re being chased by a pack of rabid, mangy soi dogs.

Clever Mother Nature is looking out for  me again though. Just when I feel I might slip into a coma through the tedium or have a stress induced stroke she reminds me that my baby is a genius.

An outsider might not be impressed by the Baby’s ability to give kisses when requested in two different languages (!). An outsider might point out that the Baby’s open mouthed, hair pulling, face grabbing embrace resembles a scene from the Walking Dead more than an actual kiss. She or he might also query the wisdom of also sharing these open mouthed kisses with the dog. Me? I think- ‘How cute is my frickin’ genius child?!’

An outsider might watch the Baby concentrating hard as he stacks rings and be unmoved. She or he might suggest that the ring which made it onto the stack probably did by accident. She or he might say that a success rate of 1/43 attempts is nothing to get excited about. Me? I’m all ‘When should we start applying to Oxford?!’

He even learned to pick his nose this week. That must be a sign of advancement, surely. I’m not sure about eating it after, but hey ho. Not to mention the determined and skilled way he demolishes everything within reach. Perhaps he’s one of those savants who is determining how things work by deconstructing them.

Hats off to ya M.N.! It’s certainly more fun to pass the time in the company of a gifted baby than a regular one.

How does your child show their genius?

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