Teething. A missed nap. Spectacular constipation resulting in a birth-like poop of epic proportions.
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The Death Rattle of My 20s
In a mere ten days I will officially mark the passing of my 3rd decade.
I’m sure many people would agree with me that 30 really isn’t old, especially I’d imagine, those who are older. I’d agree with you if it wasn’t for the fact that I feel so flipping ancient.
When I stand up I can’t help but emit a little groan. Events and evenings which start after 8pm seem ridiculous and impossible. It takes me two days to recover from four cocktails. Different parts of me ache every day. I worry about diet and cholesterol. Pensions and mortgages are relevant concerns. I’m married with a kid.
At some point in the last 5 years I have misplaced my youth. Steak was swapped for salads. Cigarettes for nappies. Bars for soft play. Happy hours for coffee brunches.
For the most part these have been positive changes. A little more money in my pocket, fewer hangovers and a healthier lifestyle are positive changes. Regardless if anyone is looking for me on the 25th I shall be having a cocktail, dancing to something loud like a lunatic with my arms in the air, going to bed so late it’s early and eating something greasy and deep fried the next day.
’30 is not middle aged, stop acting like it’ is my new mantra.
How did you feel/how do you feel about turning 30?
PS. Thanks in advance to the Mummy for excusing me from my parenting duties the day after.
PPS. I retain my right to retract all this the following morning while wallowing in an unpleasant hangover.
A Baby-Free Holiday Within A Holiday
During our two week holiday in Spain my parents offered to look after the Baby for two nights so the Mummy and I could go and see the sights of Malaga. Here’s a breakdown of those two days in pictures.
A somewhat abrupt end but ah the lightness of not lugging around a ton of stuff, not worrying about nap times, sleeping through the night, lie-ins, siestas plus a generous helping of beer and tapas. I think we added 5 years to our lifespans. Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa!
It was like a cross between ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘The Birds’
All was quiet in the Poop Rainbows house until the Mummy’s butt touched the sofa and the rustle of a plastic wrapper ripped through the silence.
Suddenly two pairs of eyes flashed toward the Mummy and the delight she had clutched her hand. She struggled to finish unwrapping her treat and push some into her mouth before they arrived. Her ears filled with a rapid succession of thumps and clicks as her two pursuers closed in on their prey….
Your begging faces need work, guys.
Climbing Baby
The Baby can’t walk yet. But his Mummy’s nickname is Spidermummy due to her rock climbing skills so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by this…
Yes, that’s my baby hanging precariously from the bars on our windows. I only turned by back for a Tweeting minute, I swear!
30 Excuses for Not Sleeping.
Today we have a guest post from the lovely Yvette over at Big Trouble in Little Nappies. We’ve been having a nightmare with the Baby’s sleeping recently, here’s an insight as to why…
I can see that in theory, when the room temperature is just so, the blinds are drawn and the appropriate gaps between naps have been reached; I should happily nod off.
However, as we are both aware, this often isn’t how it goes down. And you, I am guessing, want to know why.
So – here’s a whole bunch of reasons – pick your favourite.
1. I’m thinking of something funny that happened earlier.
2. I can’t get Baa Baa Black Sheep out of my head.
3. I was drifting off but a slight irregularity in your breathing threw me off kilter.
4. Someone is making a loud shrill sound.
5. I’m counting the ways I’m more important than everyone else.
6. You have a bad singing voice.
7. I thought I needed to sneeze… I didn’t though.
8. I can’t decide what to dream about.
9. You put me down drowsy but awake. Idiot.
10. I can smell onions.
11. The lyrics to this Rock-a-Bye Baby warble are seriously sinister. Nightmare anyone?
12. Your arm is shaking slightly – almost like rocking is in some way uncomfortable?
13. Your desperation is palpable and putting me off.
14. Ditto your irritation which I can sense growing.
15. I’m suspicious that Bear is trying to take over my life.
16. Come to think of it, I’m not entirely trustful of the cot mobile, either.
17. I don’t need winding, but I’m thinking of that huge burp I did earlier – you know the one – and I’d like it recreated please.
18. Your stomach just rumbled.
19. I don’t like the pattern on my sleeping bag.
20. I think I would settle better with Daddy. If I’m already with Daddy, then I would settle better with Mummy.
21. I may need a poo. Wait… false alarm. It was just a big fart.
22. Regarding that tune you sang earlier, how would one actually know they were happy – particularly enough to clap their hands?
23. I’ve heard from a reliable source that sleep is for losers.
24. I’m enjoying your company.
25. There is so much to do in this life, I just want to go out and live it!
26. I’m wondering why you pay all that money for baby yoga when 75% of it is spent feeding or shushing me.
27. I’m wishing I could wag my tail, and also that I had a tail.
28. I’m savouring the moment, you should try it sometime.
29. I’m not actually sure I’m tired. I’ll decide for definite after some more milk, yes?
30. I’ve had so much fun I don’t want the day to end. Or, I’m just being awkward.
Feel better now..? No..? Sheesh… I thought knowledge was power? Well dang and blast it but at least I tried.
Thanks for that, Yvette. I’m pretty sure this is what the Baby has been trying to tell me for weeks…if not months, sigh. If you enjoyed this why not head over to Big Trouble in Little Nappies and tell Yvette or follow her on Twitter or Facebook.
A Guide to Surviving 24 Hours With The Baby
In a few short weeks we will be in Spain where, after a few settling in days, the Baby will be deposited with his Grandparents and my wife and I will head for the hills like the hounds of hell are snapping at our heels.
It occurred to me that the Grandparents might need a few pointers on how to survive 24 hours with the Baby so here goes.
Wake up
A bright and early start between 5-6am is had by the Baby. You will wonder where he gets all his energy from when you can barely lift your coffee to your lips. Especially when he woke up every two hours the night before. Expect to wrestle with him to change him and brush his teeth, it will help you wake up.
Nappy Changes
Good luck with that.
Meals
The Baby alternates daily between having the appetite of an anorexic supermodel and a scrum of teenage rugby players. He may consume everything you put in front of him or chuck it all on the floor. Offer him a varied, healthy selection but expect that he will only eat white food, particularly dairy. He will almost always be happy to steal your food but don’t bother making him his own plate, it tastes better from yours. If you have something you are almost positive he’ll hate you’ll probably find that he eats it all.
Naptimes
The Baby usually naps about 3 hours after he last woke up. Except for the days he doesn’t. He’ll usually sleep for an hour or and hour and a half. Except for the days he doesn’t. A story, milk and being zipped into his sleeping bag should get him ready for sleep. He normally only fusses for a few minutes before nodding off. Except for the days he doesn’t. If he’s being really whiney and it’s been a while since he slept put him down for a nap, for your sanity if nothing else.
Play
The Baby will mostly ignore all the Baby safe items in favor of demanding something valuable, breakable, dangerous or a combination of all three. Guaranteed the minute you take your eye off him will be the minute he face plants or falls off something. You will spend more time getting him ready for swimming than he will actually spend in the pool. Taking him out and about to flirt with strangers is a good strategy but be aware he will find the dirtiest, most germ laden items to wrap his lips around. If all else fails and you are genuinely concerned you might be losing your marbles putting on annoying, scary and inappropriate nursery rhymes sung in an Indian accent is about the only thing which will keep him still for more than 1 minute 30 seconds.
Snacks
Snacks will also buy you some peace and quiet. No, Grandma. Step away from the chocolate. Put down the ice cream. That will not help your cause in the long run. Raisins, rice crackers, Cheerios and baby biscuits are your friend. The 5 second rule is applicable during snack consumption. It’s building up his immunity.
Bed time
By now you’ve probably been waiting for this glorious moment for several hours. A quick bath, pjs, sleeping bag, story, milk, brush teeth and you’re done. Singing while he’s drinking milk might distract him enough that he drinks a lot and pushes back his first wake up by a few hours. Put him down awake and leave the room. If you wait for him to fall asleep you’ll be there all night, trust me. He will protest when you first leave but will probably have settled by the time you pour your first glass of wine. Sit down and relax until the first wake up, probably around 11/12.
Well done, you’ve survived.
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Something Which Strikes Dread Into a Parent’s Heart
I glanced over at the empty space opposite my house a while ago and saw something which made my stomach drop and churn. An absolute nightmare for the parent of any baby. Something which would plague me for months to come…
Well OK, so this is Thailand. What I actually saw was a bunch of guys in shorts, flip flops, balaclavas and t-shirts with some busted up tools and equipment. I don’t think hard hats, tool belts and high visibility jackets are exactly compulsory here.
Ahem. Anyway my suspicions were correct. Our neighbors are building another house in their expansive garden. The horror!
The workers arrive just in time to start the noisiest equipment 10 minutes into the baby’s morning nap. They then take an extended lunch break, wait until he’s just fallen asleep in the afternoon and then start drilling. @)$%^ @#$#%^) @#@#$%^*(&.
The only thing allowing me to hang precariously onto my sanity is the fact that they pack it in for the day at 5pm and don’t work weekends.
So now we get to hold the squalling baby after his 20 minute nap and watch the very slow progress of the building site outside his window. Fun times.
*sighs and cracks open another beer*
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