Things My Kid Does to Antagonize Me

I’m sure there are some people out there who think I’m nuts. Surely there’s no way a one year old could have already figured out how to push my buttons. But he has, and with great effectiveness.

Here are a few examples of the Baby’s daily stunts which get my blood boiling:

 

Making sure he has my eye contact before doing something he knows he’s not supposed to.

Pretending he’s going to eat something then chucking it on the floor at the last moment.

Wailing for something to eat then promptly feeding it to the dog.

Gobbling up something one day then acting like we’re trying to poison him the next.

Being quiet for ages at nap time then screaming the minute I sit down.

Throwing something out of reach then screaming because he can’t reach it.

Asking to be picked up then freaking out when I try to pick him up.

Wanting to get in the bath and then crying because I put him in the bath.

Waiting until I’ve changed his nappy then coming to hang out near me to have a huge, stinky poo. Preferably while I’m eating.

Waking up (relatively) late, eating all of a new, never tried before breakfast, playing nicely by himself, stopping his play to toddle over and give me a hug- just when I’m about to publish this post so I feel like a monster who doesn’t deserve such a sweet, loving, well behaved little boy. Sigh.

 

 

Toddler Vs Poop

lo Here’s a fab guest post from Dancin Mama over at Dancing in the Rain, Musings About Motherhood about…poop :-). Enjoy!

Parenthood is by far the funniest thing I have ever experienced. I find that it’s pretty much a daily reminder not to take life too seriously, which brings us to today’s story.

I knew from the moment I found out I was having a boy that bodily functions and would be a big part of my life. What little boy doesn’t joke about boogers and poop? I was prepared for these things to pop up, I just didn’t think it would be this soon. J loves poop and boogers. He loves pointing out the cat’s and dog’s poopies, he loves telling you about his, and he even loves making poop jokes.

For instance, a few months back I caught J stuffing some unwanted food behind him in his chair. When I picked him up I asked him how it had gotten there, and he very seriously looked at me, pointed at his bottom, and said, “Poop.” Then he proceeded to laugh uncontrollably for a good minute. I’ll never forget that moment- it was adorable, terrifying and repulsive all at the same time.

So as you can tell, poop is often discussed at my house these days. Today after lunch, J told me he was pooping. (He gives you a play by play just to make sure you’re in the loop.) After he was done I removed the diaper, and I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say this was more than a two wipe diaper. As I was cleaning it he grabbed a wipe himself to help, but missed with the wipe and before I knew it a poopy little hand was smearing excrement across the couch cushions.

You take it for granted that your children know not to wipe poop on the couch, but you know what? They don’t. So I clean off the couch with antibacterial soap and a rag, and explain to J that poop doesn’t go on the couch.

Thinking that the crisis had been dealt with I went into the bathroom to try and locate our diaper cream, which had mysteriously relocated itself. A few seconds later J followed me in to show me his fork. (It’s amazing what interests toddlers, isn’t it?) I ooh’d and ahh’d as is appropriate in such situations and went back to looking for the cream.

After finally locating it, I turned around victoriously, ready to cream and diaper that cute little tushie. Let’s just say my victory was short lived as I took in J leaning over the toilet. “Look Mommy, cooking.”

Let’s just say bath time came early today, and we will be buying some new cutlery.

Thanks for that, Sarah. I’m sure your next dinner guests will be relieved to hear about the new cutlery.If you enjoyed this why no pop over to Sarah’s blog or visit her on Facebook.

Weaning Nappies

Baby nappies are never nice but if you think newborn dirty nappies are bad you aint seen nothing yet. Oh yes, when you start introducing solids you open yourself up to a whole new world of poop. Strange, disgusting….and fascinating.

Particularly horrifying highlights have been when we thought he’d hidden a packet of raisins in his nappy only to realize they had in fact been eaten. Or the time I worried he was dying because of the flecks of red which I later realized were tomatoes.

The other day, during his fourth (!) dirty nappy of the day I was in for another scary surprise…

Black sesame seeds are not digested by baby tummies, in case you were wondering.

 

****If you enjoyed this I’d really appreciate your vote for the MAD Blogging Awards. Just click on the link, add your name and email and select Poop Rainbows in the ‘Baby’ category. Thank you!

https://tots100.co.uk/vote/

The Smell Hangover

3.4 seconds later….

 

Poor Baby. Betrayed by the smell hangover again.

You’ll never be on time again.

The Mama: ‘ OK, he’s had his nap. We’re only 10 minutes late. We’ve packed the bottles, the formula, nappies, wipes, a change of clothes, the baby seat, three toys, two muslin cloths, sunscreen, a hat, a sweater, his carrier…’

‘

‘Wait a minute…’

‘You’re not…. are you?’

Sigh

My kid doesn’t poop rainbows or fart glitter.

Many people offered me tidings of doom and gloom when I announced my pregnancy. I had been warned about the expense. I was aware of the sleepless nights. I’d heard about the overwhelming love and incapacitating fear. No one really prepared me for the poop.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew babies pooped. I poop. My dog poops. I believe the Mummy might even poop. But this is a different ball game, my friends, compared to baby poop.

It started almost straight away. There I was post (72 hour) labour, torn and stitched, tired, hooked up to IVs, a catheter and with one litre and a half less blood swimming around my veins. I’d attempted (and failed) to breast feed with a ton of midwife back-up and the Baby had been returned to his cot. Then there was a noise. And a smell.

I looked hazily around and noticed a complete absence of anyone who was going to do anything about that creeping, unpleasant smell. Hmmm.

I was able to grab the various baby changing necessities without too much difficulty but there was a definite heart-stopping moment when I gingerly lifted him out from the crib and onto the bed and he threatened to tip over.

Holy black, tarry nightmare, Batman! The books I had read advised cotton wool and water to wash babies’ sensitive little tushes. I immediately knew that wasn’t going to cut it and began slowly scraping off the gum like slime from his tiny little butt cheeks with a wipe.

And so the days progressed. There was a definite correlation between my recovery and the unpleasantness of the Baby’s pooping. Thank you jaundice. At one point I went through an entire packet of nappies and wipes in a 24 hour period. I desperately wondered where was the lovely baby smell everyone went gaga for? Would people always subtly wrinkle their noses as they held my cherub?

After a few days the he finally crapped the jaundice out of his system and we entered a new phase: lava poop.

I had seen the funny movie scenes where the male baby pees in someone’s eye whilst having their nappy changed. I didn’t realize this would be such a frequent event nor how much havoc could be wreaked via an out-of-control garden hose situation such as this. But the movies didn’t warn me about lava poop.

The Baby was skilled at lava pooping. You’d be so concerned about what that tiny penis was doing you’d forget he had a secondary line of attack. The nappy would come off and the mustard magma would start flowing. Much hilarity was had by those not involved upon listening to the cries of ‘Ew! EW! Ahhhhh! Stop! AHHHH!’  from the next room.

And then there were the color palate comparisons. Delighted sharing of tones with your spouse or worried googling of phrases like ‘is green poo normal?’, examination of texture, amount, frequency and consultation of the ‘baby poop slideshow‘.

And now solids.

It is fair to say my kid definitely doesn’t poop rainbows or fart glitter.

‘What the…..?!’