My house is a death trap

Seriously. I never realized before we had a baby but I’m amazed the Baby has made it this far.

For instance before the Baby I never thought twice about the kitchen cleaning cupboard. Now I’m like:

 

When I was pregnant I thought living in a house with only tiles and no carpets would make cleaning up after the baby much easier. Now…

Does an innocent, empty CD rack escape my scrutiny? Nope.

 

 

And the sofa? Previously my favorite, comfy spot to relax. Yup, that’s changed too.

 

 

Don’t even get me started on the blatant hazards like the plug sockets (which in Thailand catch fire more than one would like), the stairs and the brain-crushing sharp edges EVERYWHERE. I’m not joking, someone pass the cotton wool and bubble wrap.

Am I the only one struggling with baby-proofing?

Did you know that sometimes I right serious articles? And sometimes people even publish them. Head over to Ripped Jeans and Bifocals to check one out.

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The Baby’s Inadvertent Warning Alarm

You know when you see parent with their kids on one of those backpack leashes? Or when you’re being driven mad by the kid in the airport running around in the squeaky shoes? Those clever parents have used those tools for a reason. To avoid their tots doing what kids do best: getting into trouble.

We’ve baby-proofed as best we can for the moment. Somethings, however cannot be removed or made completely baby-friendly. I am now regretting the floor lamps- for example. And the Dog, with her highly chewable feet and her licky ways.

The bad news is the Baby is still at the soldier-crawl stage and not yet ready for the aforementioned trouble prevention tools. The good news is the Baby has come with his own, inbuilt trouble alert-er.

When the Baby spots something he shouldn’t have or decides to do something he shouldn’t do he gets excited and emits a little giggle as he races towards said forbidden object. This giggle is particular to this activity. It is heard and responded to by the mummies from up to 500 yards away, through nursery rhymes and thunder. It.is.amazing. I’m pretty sure it has prevented some trips to Accident and Emergency.

Please don’t get better at being naughty, Baby. The mummies need their early warning system!

Does your kid have an accidental way of letting you know they’re up to something?

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House-Proof Your Baby!

I’m tired of trying to baby proof my rented house without inflicting damage upon either myself or the house. I’ve decided it would be a heck of a lot easier to house proof the baby. Here’s my pitch:

*Read with advertising voice like the TV advertising guy.

Tired of trying to protect your baby from all of the death traps dangers in your home? Confused with how to properly use all of the baby proofing gadgets and gizmos? Why not save yourself the trouble and house-proof your baby?!

With the quick application of one ‘House-proofing suit’- you no longer have to worry about your little one as they become mobile and start to explore.

Features include:

The suit it’s self is made of a patented technology which uses combination of foam, bubble wrap and cotton wool to ensure your baby just bounces right off any sharp corners or edges in your home…or if you drop them.

The suit’s patented helmet is thick enough that even if your little monkey scales your cabinet and pulls the 64 inch wide screen TV down upon themselves they will reemerge unscathed!

The helmet also comes with an inbuilt face shield which will filters germs and bacteria from the air around the child while simultaneously blocking access to the mouth and preventing choking hazards. Fret about your threenager trying to feed the baby legos no more!

The suit has heat proof, thick, thick gloves protecting those fingers from being crushed in doors and also preventing them from picking things up, opening things and sticking their fingers in those oh so enticing plug sockets.

We tested the ‘House-Proof Suit’ with drops of up to 50 feet and temperatures of over 100 C and found no harm had come to our testers.

*Do not try this at home.

So there you have it, folks! The amazing ‘House-Proof Suit’ . Available in two colors: mucous yellow or poop green. Order now for the special price of $69.99 and we’ll even throw it the incredible ‘Alcohol-Proof Suit’ for mum, which includes the ‘breathalyze before use phone feature’. Hurry, offer only available while stocks last!

What do you think? On to a winner?

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