Sometimes when I am very tired, stressed and starting to disassociate from reality slightly I try to imagine that parenting is just a game. I am not ruining someones life, I am losing and gaining points. For example:
Baby took two naps in one day: +2 points
Neither nap was longer than 45 minutes: -1 point
Baby dropped something large, plastic and heavy on my foot and I avoided swearing- +5 points
Baby learned to point to communicate needs +2 points
Baby uses new skill to raise stress levels by pointing at something invisible -1 point
Baby refuses to eat anything which is not dairy based – 3 points
Baby bags his calcium requirement for the day +1 point
Baby spends much of the day mid-meltdown -2 points
You stayed strong and enforced boundaries +3 points
Baby watched Finding Nemo for the 15th time -3 points
You played ‘Hand me another toy’ for 36 minutes without going insane +3 points
Baby shared your fruit snack +1 point
Baby shared your ice cream snack -2 points
Baby fell and smacked his head when you were tweeting -5 points
Baby took two more steps unaided than yesterday +1 point
You are drinking mid-week -4 points
You managed to hold off drinking until the baby fell asleep +5 points
Both you and Baby survived another day +20 points
The Aquisition of Language: Learning to Understand but Ignore One’s Parents
The Baby is starting to understand some of things which are said to him. Understand, I’d like to stress, not heed. Although I’ve heard that doesn’t happen until after the teenage years. Or beyond.
Anyway, I digress. He knows who the Dog is and will look for her when asked. He will race across the room at the speed of light if you utter the word ‘Cheerios’. He will stop, smile and then go in for another chomp if you say ‘no biting’.
‘Sit down’, ‘hold on tight’ and ‘careful’ are also understood in both Thai and English. The Mummy has kicked it up a notch with speaking Thai in the house and it looks like Thai might be the first language the Baby learns. Even I can’t manage not to learn a little as she calls to him to ‘use two hands’, incessantly, in an increasing pitch.
He also will hand things over…most of the time. Which is great and has made giving him a loaded spoon much more appealing. It was not fun before when he’d take a bite and immediately hurl it on the floor, spraying its soggy contents everywhere.
Watching him learn is one of the highlights for parenting for me. I get truly excited when I see him figure out something new. Although often my life immediately becomes more difficult.
With these new developments I can foresee fun times in my lazy future…
‘Baby, before you go to bed can you grab me another cold one from the fridge, please?’
Can’t wait!
Does your kid understand and listen to you?
Baby Led Weaning…maybe?
So you might remember our earlier forays into Baby Led Weaning…which you can read about here.
In the last week or so I’ve had a little more success. We’ve had fewer and fewer Vesuvius upchuck moments and we got through today with just a little phlegm-y spit out. Huzzah!
So how did we do it, I hear you clamoring? Three Two words: gateway drug. Or to put it another way- cake.
OK, OK, stay with me here…no, don’t call child services.
Before the Baby reacted to anything that wasn’t newborn-poop-smooth with a fast and deliberate vomit fountain. I simply had to teach him that the best foods come in lumpy form. And what is the best food? Cake, of course.
Before you start burning my pictures on the ‘Bad Mothering- Straight to Hell’ pyre, I would like to add that this was not your average cake. This was a homemade (by the Mummy, not me, don’t be ridiculous), fresh, organic mango cake. Made with mangoes picked from our tree that morning. Wow, maybe I am a Pintresting-type mum. OK, nope, maybe the Mummy is.
Anyway, so when the Baby saw me shoveling large slices of said cake into my…cake hole, he became very interested. And- funnily enough, knew better than to purge the cake from his system.
A few tiny morsels of cake and he was hooked. He’s now stealing itty, bitty bites of bread, apple, ground meat, mushroom, cheese and sweet potato. I call that a success, friends!
But now mealtimes look like this:
*Disclaimer: I’m not advising that you administer cake, crack or coke (soda or otherwise) to your child. Don’t try this and then sue me. I had IVF, I have no money- trust me. I am not a doctor, health adviser or dietitian. Check out the BLW website for much better advice if you are having difficulties.
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That silly, forgetful (drunk) Tooth Fairy.
The Baby has been busy sprouting teeth for the last…forever which got me thinking about the tooth fairy and a funny story a first time mum told me.
The day before I’d had a really cruddy day at work, had a little too much wine and watched too much TV . I really wasn’t in the mood when a whiny voice woke me up at 6 am.
‘Mum? Mum, the Tooth Fairy didn’t come and get my tooth.’ Cue heart crushingly disappointed expression complete with wobbly lip.
Sh@#!
I thought fast. Much faster than should be expected with a mild hangover and no caffeine pumping through my veins.
‘You’re so lucky!’ I announced earning myself a look of well deserved confusion. ‘You must have gotten a trainee Tooth Fairy.’
Where is she going with this? Both I and my daughter wondered.
‘W-what?’ semi-sobbed my daughter.
‘A trainee Tooth Fairy! A Tooth Fairy that isn’t fully qualified yet! Those are really special and rare.’
‘Huh?’
‘Sometimes people who are just learning their jobs make mistakes.’ Like mums. ‘But when she realizes I bet she’ll feel really bad and make up for it.’
Clouds lift and the sunshine nervously begins to trickle through. ‘Really?’
‘Definitely. Now go and get some breakfast.’
As soon as I heard her feet hit the stairs I flew to the computer, tapping my foot and gnawing on my nails as it booted up. I quickly pounded out a message on Word using the column feature.
‘Dear Lucy, I’m so sorry I got confused reading my magic map and went to the wrong house last night. Then a big dog tried to eat me and I had to hide in a wine bottle until he fell asleep. This is my first night being a Tooth Fairy- it’s a hard job! Anyway, thank you for the tooth. I left a little something extra to say sorry for the mix up, love from Tina the Tooth Fairy’
A couple of clicks and I changed the font to a handwriting style and shrunk it to font size 4. As the smell of burnt toast reached my nostrils I was cutting out the world’s tiniest note. A quick glance at the stairs and I lunged for her room. My heart was loud enough for her to hear downstairs as I slipped the note and 5 pounds under her pillow. Objective achieved I walked calmly back into my room to take a shower.
A little while later I heard shrieks coming from her bedroom. Childhood saved.
Motherhood- flying by the seat of your pants every step of the way.
The mum who told me this story was a Pinteresting-type mum. The alternative method for dealing with forgotten tooth fairies is to tell the kid they didn’t look hard enough and, upon helping them, ‘discover’ the treat yourself. This is what happened in my house. Every.single time. Because wine.
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