The ‘Three Weeks of Torture’ Diet

Here is a guest post from Sarah, over at Run Jump Scrap. I think she might be a bonefide mind reader or a stalker and I’m a little scared. She wrote exactly how I feel….

 

I’ve been a bit tired. Not just “having a baby tired” but generally tired. When I almost nodded off in front of OITNB I realized some serious action was needed.
The Baby is sleeping pretty well so what else could it be? Possibly the abundance of cake and sweet treats I keep stuffing into my mouth. Possibly. Okay, very likely.
The solution? Three weeks of torture. Three week of potential starvation. Three weeks of a grain-free, dairy-free, sugar-free diet. A potential bonus of this could be slipping into a smaller size dress and being able to buy a decent bra.

How hard could this really be? I will have lots of lovely, healthy options to choose from. It’s not like I’m addicted to sugar. I can quite easily go 3 weeks without it. Three weeks without cake will be a walk in the park. I’m a teacher. I’m organized. I can plan my meals and I absolutely will not cave.
So far, so good. Whilst my wife and the baby scoffed a yummy cheese-filled quiche, I was quite happy to eat my Mexican chicken. Not once did I think about rugby tackling my wife, pinning her down and having a bite. That thought never entered my head and I do think I am feeling a bit less tired too so this may be working!
A week in and I’m twitching a bit. I think there may be some cake in the fridge. Possibly chocolate. Perhaps, if I wait until my wife is in bed I can creep downstairs and crawl to the fridge on my hands and knees. One lick of the icing doesn’t count, does it? A bit of sugar from icing is really the same as sugar from the 10kg of mangoes I ate earlier.
I slightly buckled. I couldn’t help it. A slice of bread with peanut butter has been consumed and it was heaven. Some random dietitian told me nuts were really healthy; full of protein and good fats and they would really fill me up. I felt really full; a bit sick actually. That may be because I ate half the jar with my finger.

Anyway tomorrow is a new day and I can wipe the slate clean. I still have two weeks to go and I’ll do it. I have to as I’ve ordered a treat to celebrate when I’m done.

Thanks to the amazing Sarah for the creepily accurate account of my first week dieting and all of the support and advice. Pop over and show her some love on her brilliant blog, twitter, facebook or google+.

If you’d like your words to appear here next to my dodgy cartoons check out the Guest Posting tab for more information.

The ‘Me Do It’ Toddler Rap by Motherhood: The Real Deal

Normally I wouldn’t embarrass my extremely white, suburban self by getting involved with rap. One Vanilla Ice type act per lifetime is plenty, in my opinion. But never fear, rap fans, for someone else is visiting to show us how it’s done.

I’m happy to announce our second guest post here on ‘My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows…and other parenting realizations’. Today we welcome Tayla, from Motherhood: The Real Deal with her hilarious take on a toddler rap.

 

I basically need you to imagine that your toddler is a rapper from the Bronx, else this just ain’t gonna fly.

OK so are you channeling a Bronx rapper? Yes? Good, so let’s do this…

Yo yo listen up, I got something to say, Mummy and Daddy pass the mic my way..

I wanna do it all, and do it good, best nobody messes in my hood!

 

Putting on my nappy, making my own milk, sticking my finger down the plughole in the kitchen sink

Yeah I don’t care when enough is enough, I’m a badass toddler, and I’m hanging tough!

 

Hit the boom box mamma – boom bap boom boom boom bap

 

Tying up my shoes or I’ll scream the house down

Zipping up my coat or watch my smile turn to a frown

Closing the front gate til my hand gets jammed innit

Wiping my own butt because yeah…

Hit the  boom box mamma – boom bap boom boom boom bap

 

Brushing my own teeth, coz who cares if they drop out?

Fastening every fastener, that my badself finds about

Yeah don’t try to mess, or a slap will come your way

Including when we cross the road, or you will pay!

Hit the  boom box mamma – boom bap boom boom boom bap

 

Coz I don’t care if it’s messy, dangerous or rad

Me do it myself because I am bad!

 

Yeah….Take it to the bridge home mummy and daddy…uh, uh, yeah….

 

Thanks for that masterpiece, Tayla.

For more toddler related chuckles head over and check out the rest of the ‘Inside the Head of a Toddler’ series here, here and  here. You can also follow Tayla on Facebook or Twitter.

If you fancy seeing your words next to my dodgy drawings check out the Guest Posting info.

****If you enjoyed this I’d really appreciate your vote for the MAD Blogging Awards. Just click on the link, add your name and email and select Poop Rainbows in the ‘Baby’ category. Thank you!

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