If the internet goes down world wide….

it’s because I’ve decided to stop talking about going self hosted and actually get on with it. I’m even going to try and do it myself (hahahhaha). So pooprainbows.com will be left languishing for hopefully just a few days. If you need a giggle in the meantime please just imagine how I’m getting on….

Wish me luck!

(and if anyone whose done this and would be willing to answer frantic, panicky tweets please announce yourself in the comments, muchas gracias!)

This is 30.

For me being 30 is…..

• taking 2+ days to recover from a hangover.
• boobs that are now closer to your waist than your neck.
• being unable to wallow in sickness as a toddler needs you to read to him RIGHT NOW!
• scrimping and saving and still barely making ends meet.
• feeling tired regardless of how much sleep you get.
• wondering why you still don’t feel like a grown up.
• thinking a night out which begins after 8pm is madness.
• preferring quiet pubs to noisy clubs.
• opting for a quiet night in rather than a crazy night out.
• no longer going for the budgetiest budget hotels.
• feeling like you might no longer be faking being good at your job.
• faking having a handle on parenting instead.
• needing to sleep in a proper bed.
• wondering if a house party when the baby will be sleeping upstairs was the best idea?
• being thrilled about the colouring books you were gifted.
• worrying about pensions and cholesterol.
• thinking you should probably have learned to hold your drink by now.
• realizing it has been 19 months since your last hair cut.
• searching for overlooked old lady chin hairs.
• being concerned about grey hairs on your head…and elsewhere.
• being thankful for my family and where my life is at right now, despite all the other stuff 🙂

 

Parenting in Thailand

What does parenting in Thailand look like?

 

It looks like a tired Mama almost jumping out of her skin at a sudden, loud, crunching noise emanating from the air conditioner. It looks like her nervously investigating the things that then dropped from said air conditioner.

It looks like her clutching the Baby in horror for three long minutes while she waits to the severed lizard’s tail to stop wiggling of its own accord.

It sounds like her then asking weird, gross questions of the Mummy after the pieces of lizard have been disposed of.

Yup. This kind of stuff makes me feel a long way from home.

How to Guest Host a Linky

1. Have a good blogging friend tell you she’s taking a week off to migrate her blog and ask you to host.
2. Agree as she’s awesome, so is her linky and you’ve been meaning to get your linky toes wet for a while.
3. Stare slightly horrified at the large email of instructions you’ve been sent.
4. Open up Tweetdeck for the first time ever.
5. Mutter some curse words and close Tweetdeck.
6. Open up the simpler Twuffer.
7. Start scheduling tweets to invite people to link up.
8. Continue scheduling tweets to invite people to link up.
9. Schedule the last few tweets.
10. Realize you haven’t added a link to the link up tweets.
11. Realize you haven’t written a post to link the link up to.
12. Write the linky post.
13. Go back and change the tweets to include the link.
14. Check the time difference online and realize the tweets are scheduled to go out at the wrong time. Change the tweets again.
15. Check the preview of the blog post and realize there is a problem with the HTML code.
16. Pointlessly delete and reinsert the code a few times hoping something miraculous happens.
17. Run a google search to try to understand the problem.
18. Panic that what you are trying to do is impossible.
19. Write a panicky message to Sarah stating that you are trying to do the impossible.
20. Get a phone call from the Mrs asking you to cook the Baby’s dinner. Put some pasta on the hob to boil.
21. Run another google search and find that wordpress.com blogs require a different badge linky code to everyone else.
22. Try three different ways to make the badge linky code. Mutter increasingly bad curse words as each fail.
23. Write an message to Sarah apologizing that you have been unable to make a badge with grab code.
24. The Mummy comes home and asks what the smell is. Realize you’ve burnt the pasta for the Baby’s dinner. And not for the first time.
25. Check the time difference with Sarah. Realize the internet is wrong. Change the tweets again.
26. Schedule the linky post, crossing your fingers not completely convinced the Inlinkz link will work.
27. Panic and send another message to Sarah asking her to try and get a special wordpress.com Inlinkz code.
28. Pour a very large glass of wine.

I hope you can come link up with me tomorrow for #bestandworst….if it works…

 

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Share a Laugh: Week One

Mondays are rough. I’m dragging my butt out of bed and saying goodbye to my tot when he is at his most charming. Then I spend the next 8 and a half hours in the company of other people’s children who, generally speaking, would rather not be at school. Sigh.

In order to lighten up the toughest day of the week I have decided to create ‘Share a Laugh’ day. Here I will post links to things which literally made me laugh out loud in hope that they will do the same for you.

This week is an oldie but a goodie. Hope this brightens up your Monday!

The hilarious Eh Bee Family:

 

 

 

 

 

Mama Recommends: Little Baby Bum

I am starting a new feature on Sundays called ‘Mama Recommends’ in which, you guessed it, I recommend stuff. This might be a toy or product for the baby, a movie, a book, a day out… basically anything we’ve enjoyed as a family.

This week I would like to recommend something very dear to my heart.

Many moons ago, when the Baby was just a tiny tot, he was not a fan of car journeys. Which is to say he’d scream blue murder through every minute of our gridlocked, Bangkok car trips, to the point where he’d often projectile vomit all over himself.

Stressful doesn’t even begin to cover it. It is a special kind of torture being trapped in a small box with your beloved tot screaming his little lungs and lunch out.

Thankfully this awfulness was short lived as we discovered the joys of animated nursery rhymes. I say joys but for us adults they were often not joyful. So many videos were deeply irritating and catchy, horribly inappropriate or accompanied by pathetic cartoons. Often I’d rather listen to the Baby’s screaming. Then one day we stumbled across Little Baby Bum.

With eye catching animation, nicely sung songs and a variety of video clips to choose from, these videos have saved our butts on many a car journey and difficult time at home. We downloaded some videos from their website, loaded them onto our tablet which we attached to the headrest above the Baby’s car seat and we were away. The Baby loves them and it calms him right down 90% of the time. I don’t even feel guilty as the clips are educational, singing about colours, shapes, numbers and letters. Brilliant.

 

Mama recommends Little Baby Bum!

Image from littlebabybum.com

*Disclaimer: I was not requested to write this post or compensated in anyway, we just love these videos.

 

 

 

 

Tips to Survive a Relationship

For me being in a proper, grown-up relationship was a steep learning curve. The Mummy and I have been together for four years and married for three. Here are somethings I had to learn quickly to make it work.

1. Sharing a bed.

I can be a bit of a starfish when sleeping. I also toss and turn like an earthquake and am a notorious blanket stealer. I even occasionally accidentally try to smother the Mummy with my pillow when I roll over. Over the years I have tried to learn to roll gently without cocooning myself in the duvet, while being careful to stay on my side and keep my knees and elbows to myself. It’s a working progress.

2. Apologize.

It might be hard to believe but I am not perfect and sometimes behave like a right bi… witch. I have learned identifying a moment of being unreasonable and apologizing is helpful. Luckily the Mummy is a forgiving person otherwise she might have divorced me years ago.

3. Learn your spouse’s bug bears.

We all have things that really get on our wick and not all of those are shared by our spouse. ‘Helpful tips’ or micromanaging while I’m cooking, as I call it, drives me up the wall. Shoes on in the house pushes the Mummy’s stress levels and blood pressure up to breaking point.  Learn not to push these buttons. Quickly.

4. Be grateful.

The Mummy does way too much for the Baby and I. Particularly so when I am incapacitated with my back problems….or an overindulgence in vodka and diet coke. Noticing that your clothes don’t stink, rats haven’t laid siege on the kitchen and there is no longer enough food on the floor to feed a small family, and thanking the person who did all that is a small gesture but it’s something. Thank you, Mummy! The Baby and I would be butt naked and starving to death in a pest infested hovel without you!

5. Be direct.

You might think your message will get through via a combination of hints, looks and passive aggressive comments but in most instances you’d be wrong. Save everyone a massive headache and tell your partner what you need from them, even if it seems ridiculous.

It totally worked. I felt loads better.

6. Pick your battles.

I don’t know about you but the sun doesn’t beam out of my sphincter. As wonderful as the Mummy is she’s not perfect either so some things I’ve learned to accept about her. I think she’s had to accept more about me though. Some things about her will never change, like her weird need to save and store packaging. If you can live with it, let it go. Save the interventions for the things which drive you barmy.

 

So there you have it. My suggestions for a pretty happy home life.

 

What tips do you have to make a relationship work over time?

 

My Baby the Nobel Prize Winner

Today the Baby cured cancer, solved world hunger and achieved world peace.

 

 

OK, he didn’t but he wouldn’t have gotten a better reaction from me if he had.

 

Best. Feeling. Ever!

Undervalued Milestones I Can’t Wait For

There are some milestones every parent is waiting for with bated breath. Sure, weaning, walking, talking and sleeping through the night are great but here are some I’m more excited for.

1. When the baby understands the difference between ‘mother’ and ‘climbing frame’.
2. When the baby is able to wipe his own but-tocks.
3. When the baby is old enough to know why I pronounce it ‘but-tocks’
4. When the baby is old enough to understand bribery.
5. When the baby is old enough to read good books with.
6. When the baby is old enough for me to laugh with him rather than at him.
7. When the baby gets some decent toys…or games consoles.
8. When we can watch something together besides Finding Nemo.
9. When the baby is old enough to be chucked down a ski slope.
10. When he’s old enough to watch classics like ‘The Goonies’ and ‘Drop Dead Fred’.
11. When the baby is old enough to sit on the sofa without me having  a heart attack every few wiggly seconds.
12. When I can use him as an excuse to go and play laser tag, go to a theme park or go ice skating.

What are you looking forward to?

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Dear Social Services…

Dear Social Services,

Please do not be alarmed. Despite first appearances we are not regularly dropping the Baby or throwing him down the stairs. It might be hard to believe, looking at the variety of different, colourful bruises adorning his head, but we actually watch him quite closely.

Despite some ninja moves and cat-like reflexes we find it impossible to prevent him nose diving into furniture, floors and cupboards with alarming regularity. He is particularly adept at pinballing his head off a variety of surfaces in the kitchen.

I can see you taking in the various mystery substances currently residing in his hair. Believe it or not we actually bathe the Baby every night. This doesn’t show though, as he currently enjoys exploring how sauces feel when caressed, lovingly into his hair. We have given up fighting this as we believe a 50% hair to stomach ratio to be a win, meal-wise.

You might also be raising an eyebrow at the stained, badly fitting clothes he is currently wearing. We do have nice clothes for him but those clothes will not remain nice if worn within at 50 yard radius of his spaghetti bolognese dinner.

Please don’t worry about the Baby, he’s OK, honest.

Warm regards,

Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows